The Chase

I am a fan of the movie Edward Scissorhands. It's cheesy and just makes me laugh. I mean what normal, suburban lady would go to this place where no one would go to sell Mary Kay? She went to the unlikely of places and befriended an unlikely person. Someone who was seen as unacceptable in the neighborhood. Beyond different, just straight strange. I mean scissors for hands?! What?! Was she that desperate to sell some skincare products? Or was it a divine moment? Clearly, I am reading way too much into a cheesy 90's movie.

As I scrolled through Facebook tonight then laid my head down to sleep, I thought what happened to the good ol' days of Facebook? Are these people so desperate to sell something they are willing to go/do anything?! The days where feeds were filled with real status updates, real pictures, where & what you were eating. Fun, light-hearted feeds.

I am currently listening to a sermon series called "Thumb Wars" and I can't help but think how brilliant. Yet, how sad.

Let me be clear - I love social media and often find myself spending way too much time on there. I love being able to keep up with friends and my family with just a click away. But it can also be a place where the "Thumb Wars" overwhelm me. And not overwhelm as in I can't take it, but overwhelms my heart.

Because just like in Edwards Scissorhand, people will and are going to great lengths to sell Mary Kay. Or whatever else they sell. To sell, to sell, to sell, to sell.

Facebook might as well change it's name to Marketbook because my feed is flooded, I mean flooded with multi-tiered marketing scheme/pyramid ads/businesses or things of the like. I've even had friends get off Facebook because they are tired of it being all about what others can sell/offer them.

I mean if someone started selling groceries on there, I'd never have to leave my house.ever.again. From eyelashes to healthcare to face care. I can find it all on Facebook...all day long.

To be perfect honest, I have nothing against these pyramid deals. I actually happen to sell a multi-tiered product myself. Okay, sell is a loose term for me since I make a few sales here & there. I think there are some really great products out there & I think it's great some are able to supplement their income, get inspired, etc.

So why would this overwhelm my heart?

I've heard it say...whatever consumes you, is whom you serve. I feel like we are so consumed with ways of trying to better ourselves and don't even realize when we have become a slave to the very thing we think is bettering us.  

I've stayed home for over three years now. We live on a single family income.

Yet, God has always provided. Always.

I even had a successful business that I closed due to this exact thing I'm about to blog about. The chase. The money consumed me. The idea to be the next best monogrammer. To keep doing more, making more. I was a slave to my Honey B. business. It was my life. I worked hours upon hours to build it up to what it was and I still had a void in my life.

I fell into the horrible lie of the enemy- that I could have it all and do it all. And do it all well. My marriage suffered, my parenting suffered, and I suffered.

I was a slave in a wilderness. Searching, chasing.

In Exodus 16, the Isrealites were unhappy in their circumstances, yet God kept His promise and manna rained down from heaven. Manna was a food that was miraculously supplied to the Israelites while during the wilderness.

God provided when there was no way.

I could have easily gone back to work in these last 2 years. I miss working. A lot. I look forward to when I can return to work. But my work is here, in my home.

This is where God has called me.

He also called the Israelites into the wilderness. For 40 years.

Forty years.

I've only been home just a little over 3 and half years so I can't fathom forty. We have made huge adjustments for me to be able to stay home. Sold my brand new car, learned to budget, cut out added expenses, yet we are better off now than we have ever been since we've been married.

God didn't call me to be the best monogrammer in South TX or anywhere for that matter. He called me to serve Him and I couldn't do that with money as my focus or by selling, selling, selling. And boy was I selling!

When He called them into the wilderness, He also tested them.

Believe me when I say I had my share of testing. The testing is where He refines, creating me into what He intended me to be.

Yet, He has always been faithful.

The thing is I had been searching and searching. In the wilderness.

I wanted manna. I wanted that everlasting taste of something good. The land of milk and honey. I wanted the career, the baby, the new house, a new SUV (I still want a new SUV if I'm being 100% real), and I wanted a clean house with a plush bank account. Don't worry I gave up on the clean house a long time ago...

As my mama tells me - none of those things will make you happy. 

It took me struggling through a dark wilderness plus some to realize she was right.

There is only one thing on this earth that will quench that thirst. That will satisfy. That gives us freedom. True freedom in life. And it is not more money, another level up, or whatever else you gain by selling x,y,z.

Thankfully, I already have the ultimate title: Daughter of the King.

So why is my feed filled with non-stop selling and promoting? Because we are all daughters searching, looking for manna. We all want to feel loved, adored, have that new car, look our best, whatever it may be. God designed us to crave. Crave Him. Unfortunately, this world has taught us to crave the things of it. Money, a good body, a perfect home & kids, the finer things in life.

And my heart cries out for it to stop!

Our freedom is not found in these things, yet in Him.

We can't have financial freedom until we give him our finances. Yes, He blesses us but not to build multi-level marketing pyramids.

Again, I am not saying they are wrong - but what are the reasons behind the chase?

What are we chasing?

Who are we chasing?

Each other? More money? More promotions? The approval of others? 

I believe in taking care of yourself and being responsible for your body and your finances. I do. But I can't help but think it almost becomes an obsession.

We can chase rainbows and feel good moments all day, but in the end - will it matter? I am exhausted just by chasing the Facebook post. I can't keep up between all the deals, products, or your promotions. We can go to the ends of the earth selling something, but it will never satisfy us like Jesus. It will never bring us peace when we're called into the wilderness. There is no amount of money, residual income, car, or promotion that would make living with my mom's diagnosis any easier. The only way to walk through a wilderness such as this one is with the manna He provides. And because I allow myself to be consumed with Him walking in His truth has become like my job. Sharing with others, encouraging them - that no matter what may come He is good. It's through the wilderness that I find my calling. 

He will provide. So I chase Him. 

And traded my business of 5 years for trust. Trusting Him in the unknown of the wilderness. I needed that money after all or so I thought.

So I ask myself why does it overwhelm my heart to see my feed flooded with these things?

Maybe because I feel so many are searching and looking into something which will never satisfy and frankly it breaks my heart.

He is near to the brokenhearted.

So what if our hearts were broken for what breaks us...how much different would our chase be?

Would we worry with how much money we were making or instead of how much we could give. 

Or would we spend our time offering to help others in ways that truly encourage - instead of offering them something that benefits us?

Would we host a party just for those who are hurting or those who are struggling? To those walking this road alone, even if they live in a house full of children and their husband or maybe our friend who is truly alone because she's single. Or the friend who is too ashamed to share her fears and doubts about her marriage or struggles with motherhood?

What if we went to the most of unlikely of places to win that one who may perish?

The search. The chase.

For meaning...to belong, to love.

We all belong and are loved in His Kingdom. We are all leaders, producers, and executives...without having to do or sell anything.

He simply just want us. Our hearts, minds, and our souls.

He wants us to chase Him. To search Him.

Not search our bank account, the scale, waist, a perfect home, or wrinkles...

But simply Him.

Knowing He is the one who provides all our needs according to the riches of His glory.

May we search and chase in ways that bring Him glory. May our hearts break in ways that we turn our hearts towards others rather than our own.

May you know that He adores you and loves you. That with Him, you can be free. Freedom which has has already been paid for you, for me.

May He flood your heart in ways that only He can satisfy.

So while my heart cries out for it to stop, it won't until everyone is free. Free to be what Christ has called us to be. His servant. His beloved. Hemmed beautifully into His garments.

If only you could see yourself, the way He does.

We exist for Him. Yet, the enemy wants us to think we exist for all these other things - that simply do not matter. I toil at home, but my work is etched in the next life. I search Him here on this earth in the the things of this life, such as Facebook feeds and while I hope to find Him there...instead I find remnants of lives. Tattered, hanging on by threads. Lives lived searching and chasing.

What if we chased our personal relationship with Christ in the same fashion as we do the things we promote or sell?

You see it's not that searching and chasing is wrong  - but it is merely what we are searching and chasing.

It leaves only wanting more because of what it is lacking. Lacking the security we need in order to be content. We will never be content with selling, selling, selling. We'll only be content when we learn to trust in the wilderness. No matter how long or how tough it gets.
When we are able to scoop up manna from the morning dew and know 
HE. IS. ENOUGH.
When we're able to catch a glimpse of His glory and the cries our hearts are hushed by the gentleness of His touch. When we stop searching and chasing and resting in His embrace.

May He search us, know us, and try us. And may we respond with open hearts. Busted open for what only He can bind back together. Bind our wandering hearts to thee. For we are exhausted from the chase.

We're full, but not satisfied. We are willing to sell out for so many things expect for the ONE that truly will matter.

Our relationship with Christ.

Wrecked.

Wrecked.

In college, I was headed to a dear friend's house for her birthday.  Store-bought cake in the floor board on the passenger side, because let's be real - cooking or baking in college was non-existent & truthfully Nicki didn't even like cake.

Before I knew it, the front of my car had slammed into the back of another car.  Wrecked.  My first wreck ever.  The car was wrecked.  I thought at the time my life was wrecked.  The car wasn't really drive-able but I drove it anyway.  To my friend's house with cake in tow.

Smashed car and all.

Wasn't long after that, the same friend was in a wreck.  Her car wrecked and not drive-able.  In desperate need of a ride, I told her I'd come get her in.  In my still wrecked car.

It was just going to be there and back.

Well, I never made it there.

If you've never had the pleasure of experiencing your car hood fly up and slam into your windshield then you haven't lived.  Or maybe I should say, see your life flash right before your eyes.  Lucky me, I've been able to experience this thrill not only once but twice in my life.  First as a child on the way to church one Sunday with my family.  My mom jokes that all my childhood memories I love so much are from all the "old, ugly cars" we had.  Brady just doesn't know how good he has in the vehicle department...ha!  Back to the windshield...

Glass everywhere.  I mean everywhere!

Shattered in a million little pieces.  

I honestly don't remember much from that day other than I had to call my friend and tell her I couldn't come get her and then walking home.  Shattered.  Tears rolled down my cheeks as I couldn't believe what had just happened.  With cuts and blood here and there...I walked.

I never wanted to see that car again.  Which is why I just got out and started walking - leaving it behind.  For all I cared, that car could go up in flames.

It was a painful experience all around.  Even for my friend/roommate who also saw her life flash between her firebird, an 18 wheeler, and the concrete median.

I'm not even sure what made me think of that today because there are just some things in your life college days, you try to just block from your memory.  Good and bad, ha!

I guess today that's how I feel is wrecked.  Shattered.

But walking away and watching my life go up in flames isn't an option.

And that car, the windshield, the fender-bender with the cake seems so minor in comparison to the wrecks I face now.  I mean college and my college problems seem now like a cake-walk (no pun intended) compared to what life is like now.  I guess that's what growing up does to us.

Back then my major concern was what I was going to wear out on a Thursday night.  Or dealing with a broken heart from a break-up.  I thought my life was over when I had been dumped.  The cut was deep...or so I thought.  If I only knew what life would be like after that...

That break-up happened to be the best thing for me. That pain was necessary in order to move on to what God had in store for me.  To the man, I would eventually marry.  God knew I needed someone who would do anything in this world for my happiness.  Who would love me despite my crazy.  And don't kid yourself, I have plenty of crazy to give.  Who would be my shelter when life is too much.  Who would uplift me, encourage me, and pray over and for me.

I couldn't have all that today in a husband, if God hadn't wrecked me my previous relationship.  

Now, I thank God for that pain and suffering because I can see what goodness came out of it.

Wrecked.

Life wrecks come in many shapes and sizes.  For me, lately it feels everything I touch turns to a wreck.

Motherhood, a wreck.  My house, a wreck.  My health, a wreck.  My child's behavior, a wreck.

I want reprieve from the wrecks of life.  

I want to see what goodness will come from my sufferings and those who are suffering around me.

I want to know after the wreck, that there is something grand waiting for me.

But I am tired.  

I feel like I look like the windshield did that day when it shattered in a million pieces.

I feel raw.  Exposed, if you will.

I feel wrecked in every sense of the word.

Searching for whatever little piece of hope I can find in the wreckage.  Trying to grasp what this refining process means.

I've been here before and I know I'll be here again.  It's simply the ebb & flow of life.  Sure, there are times it's easy to lift my hands and voice amidst the wreckage that surrounds me.

And there are times I want to do nothing but throw my hands up in the air and walk away.  

That's why I think I feel so raw and exposed...those are not the easy things to discuss or tell.

Sure, we might tell our spouse or a close friend but I'm talking about really allowing ourselves to break and be broken.

To be completely wrecked AND be okay with it.  And share together in our brokenness.

Because that's unrealistic to think I'll never doubt, have fear, or question the refining process.  But no one ever wants to show their vulnerability and certainly not to the ones who view as strong.  Whoever that may be.  Isn't that what we all want, for others to think we have it all together?

Heaven forbid, we be real and honest and raw.  It's much easier to say, "I'm good or fine"than "no, I'm a wreck!"  It's easier to hide behind a facade or Facebook, then really be who we are.

Broken.  Tired.  Worn people.  Wrecked.

I don't think God wants me to only show and express the times I feel like praising Him or when I feel good about this life.  Plus, I don't want my life or Facebook/social media life (let's be honest that's how we like to judge or gauge others' happiness these days) to only reflect the highlight or reels of my life.

That's certainly not who God wants or intends for me to be either.  Nor is it real life.

Life is messy.  Wrecked.

Because if I am worn, tired, and broken - I am certain I am not the only one, searching, hoping, wishing for that big break, a glimmer of hope, something.

I mean who am I kidding?!  I've got nothing but messy hair, day old mascara under my eyes (which drives my mom crazy!), and a heart that breaks often.

I think it's during the wrecks of life, He wants me to know it's okay to be scared, to cry, to question, but most importantly to let Him do the heavy lifting.  He never intended me or us to do the heavy lifting...not when we feel the weight too much to bear.

He came to overcome, not for me to overcome.  I can and will overcome through Him, but not because of my own strength.

Being exposed forces me to trust.  Forces me to rest.  Forces me to wait.  Forces me to allow Him to be what I can't be.

His word tells me over and over that He WILL carry me, sustain me, hold me, and WILL be my strength.  

I just have to be willing to be vulnerable enough to let Him.  To lay my wreckage at His nail-pierced feet.  My brokenness.

He already knows I'm a wreck.  A mess shattered into a million pieces with day old mascara running down my face due to all the tears I've shed recently due to the pain this world brings.

I am only kidding myself if I think I can do this life without wrecks, bumps, bruises, or hurt.  And while today, I may wish them away--- I know that He will bring beauty out my brokenness.

That there will be something grand waiting on the other side of my wrecked heart.  No, I can't see it but I know He loves me too much to allow my suffering not to be in vain.

 

I also know it's darkest before the light.  That joy comes in the morning.  And thankfully, He loves me even at my darkest.

Even when I lock myself in my bathroom to plead my case to Him.  Or simply because I just need a break from the world and from my 3 year old.  Yes, that was me yesterday.

Thankfully, He loves me at my darkest and meet me in the quiet and darkness of my tiny, out-dated, wreck of an 80's bathroom.  Just like the man, I married.  He sees the worst of me and yet still he loves me more than anything on this earth.  And if you only knew how much he loved college football and the boy who made him a father ;)

While the wrecks in life look different now than those in college, I am still that same girl with messy hair, day old mascara under my eyes, and a heart that breaks often.

Just this time, I know I don't have to do it all on my own.

He hasn't failed me yet and He won't.  Ever.

So until then may I hold on steadfast to Him, letting Him sort the wreckage, letting Him put back together what is broken.

Today, my dear friend that I was taking the birthday cake to the day I got into a wreck, dropped off presents on my front porch and one of them was a necklace that had "beauty from ashes" written on it.  As if I wasn't already an emotional wreck from this past week, tears welled up in my ears and took me back to how He makes beauty out of us.  Even out of wrecked lives.

Maybe being wrecked isn't so bad after all...

Because even in the wreckage, He makes beautiful things out of us.

And sadly, Nicki still doesn't like cake...but that's okay because she loves me despite how profoundly wrecked I am.  Cake and all.

Our weekend

Back to the ol' blogging about life...this may be insanely boring to you but I want to remember these days in years to come so here goes...

Our weekend was nothing exciting, but definitely well lived.  Friday was a busy day! 

We had music class Friday morning at churhc (which I teach) then rushed into town to meet daddy for lunch.  With a few people from his work.  It was one of the guys that AB works with birthday and so we celebrated over a little hot wings!  B was such a good boy, considering it took almost an hour for our food to arrive.  Since I was in town I decided to make a quick Sam's run since our church nursery needed snacks.  B and I hit up Sam's then ran by Bed, Bath & Beyond to look for a new trash can.

Which why in the world are they 100 plus dollars????

And of course I decided we better make a Starbucks run while we were only a few minutes from one.  This is always a risky ordeal because B normally screams for a drink, when all I want is to enjoy my iced latte.  I didn't to take the risk...and the stars aligned as he fell asleep while waiting in the drive-thru line.  Only to drive away with the wrong drink...basically there was no caramel or vanilla in my caramel macchiato.  I know, a tragedy!

Womp, womp.

I decided I'd take a drive down to Ocean Dr. to sit and sip my disgusting iced coffee and have a little quiet time.  All was well. 

 

I was enjoying my time.  Just me, the bay, and surprisingly it wasn't crazy windy that day so I was able to roll down the windows and take it all in.

Then the bottom fell out.  Story of my life.  Let me just say apparently the park is where people come to do drugs and take their cat for a walk.  Yep, you read that right.  Take a cat for a walk.  Almost make the drugs deal not seem so abnormal???

Don't worry, I snapped a picture. 

Because I thought to myself...I couldn't make this stuff up even if I tried.

Then I caught myself listening to a Miley Cryus song and actually liked it.  Who am I???  During all my people watching, Brady woke up and so I decided we'd just open the sunroof, let in a little sunshine (after days and days of cold & rain) and cruise.

He loved looking at all the "boats and fishes" and of course loved listening to his favorite  song "Rock!" aka "Wagon Wheel."  What's not to love about that???  After that we headed home & waited for daddy!!!

Saturday:
I decided I wanted to go into town for our local farmers market.  So we got up and all headed into town for a little family time.  We stopped by the local farmers market for some soap, hummus, salsa, and hair stuff.  Totally random stuff, right?  Afterwards, we went to my favorite Mexican restaurant for breakfast.  It was good, but I'm still regretting just not getting enchiladas for breakfast! ;)

We then went by Target to look for a board game & get B this dog guitar that we've been wanting to get him since before Christmas.  It is VERY rare that we ever buy him toys!  Between his birthday and Christmas, we just go into toy overload!!!!  Purging is always a must and I almost decided against getting the guitar (again) because it I am so over stuff.  Of any kind.  More about that maybe another day.  We didn't find a board game at Target so we ran to Toys R Us to look then came home.

B napped while we caught up on Scandal.  We decided to go to eat pizza for dinner.  Yum!

Sunday:
We went to church then Sunday school, then went and met some friends for lunch.  After lunch, we all came home and took a glorious 3 hour nap!  I wasn't even ready to wake up.  I love my sleep and these late nights staying up watching movies needs to stop.

I got up and started tidying up the house because B's new and first babysitter was coming over to introduce herself to him.  Y'all this is a big deal to a momma!

At least this momma anyway.  I can't believe we are at hiring a babysitter stage.

We need a babysitter for Tuesday night and we found the most precious girl who happens to live a few houses down.  She's also the reigning beauty queen for our local county livestock show.  Ha, yes a real live princess Sophia.  Hahaha!  She came over and spent about an hour and B finally warmed up to her towards the end of her visit.  I think they will be just fine Tuesday night!

So nothing exciting, but definitely a great weekend.  I love being able to spend time with my family on the weekends, without having to worry with orders!!!!  I am so enjoying just living life.  Life is good!

Six Years of Marriage

AB and I celebrated SIX years of marriage on December 29th 2013.  I love this man more than I did the day we said, "I do!"  This man has been my absolute rock when the storms of life rage.  He has carried me through hurts, disappointments, and struggles.  He has challenged me to never give up, because he never gives up on me.  On us.

He always puts me first.  He always stands up for me and most importantly he believes in me.  He believes in as a wife, a mother, and a friend.

He guides our family with such grace and always chooses love above everything else.  He works hard to provide for us.  There is nothing he wouldn't do for us.

He is without a doubt the best thing that has ever happened to me.  Besides my salvation, of course. 

As a little girl, I always dreamed of being a bride and my wedding.  Never putting too much thought into who I would marry.  I know sad, but true.  I felt like I had the wedding of my dreams six short years ago.  Never did I imagine God blessing me with man as wonderful as AB.

I am beyond thankful for him and thankful God chose him for me.

AB, I love you more and more each year!  Thank you for loving me and holding me together through life.  He often jokes that he's the glue that holds this crazy train together.  That is sooo true!  And I'm driving this train ;)

We celebrated over a wonderful dinner at Kirby's Steakhouse and then a movie.  Love getting to spend everyday with this man.  Can't wait to spend the next 60 years with you! ;)

My Facebook Rant

So I've had Facebook wayyy before it became "the thing" to have or do.  Back when the only way you could get an account was if you had a college email address.  You know the days before your parents could join...bless it.

It was a great way to connect with others.  It was a great way to find long lost friends and catch up with them.

Fast forward eh 11 years.

Now it is nothing but people cramming their political views, as well as their stances on issues honestly I could care less about.

It's not that I don't care about things like:
- gun control
- vaccines
- abortion
- GMO's
- breastfeeding vs. formula feeding
- high fructose corn syrup

Or whatever else controversial issues there may be...

Let's be honest.  I'm human.  I'm a woman.  And I have my opinions.

Lots of them, actually.

But that doesn't mean I have to bore people with them.

Constantly.

It's not that I don't believe these are important issues, because they are.  But goodness...does one really care what I think about these issues?  More than likely not.

Not to mention, no one wants to hear about the same thing over and over.  Kind of like flooding your newsfeed with photos of my child - sorry.  Rookie parent move.  You'll understand when you have children... ;)

Back to my rant...

Since when did Facebook become such a breeding grounds for such nonsense.  Or better yet, when did it become a place to solve our government and social issues?  Where everyone is smarter than the other, more informed (misinformed is probably more the case, but hey no one ever likes to be wrong!), and know politics, science, and medicine better than those who actually work in these fields. 

Back in circa 2003, it was a place to post photos of daily musings or update us on what you were doing?

Now it's just a landmine choked full of nonsense.

I realize I could just delete my account.  Or un-friend lots of people.  Don't get me wrong it has crossed my mind many of times...

But I guess I just keep hoping one day it will be back to the "good ol' days" of simpleness.  I realize things have to change and evolve but goodness - why do people feel the need to blast us with their views.

All.the.time.

So you believe in the right to bear arms.  Bravo!  So you think high fructose corn syrup is the best thing since sliced bread.  Bravo!  Oh heavens, don't bring up bread.  Wheat is sure enough to kill us all.  I mean I am pretty sure I understood your view on the President the night of re-election.  I don't need to eight fifteen more posts to get the point. 

Life is already complicated enough.  There is no need to add fuel to it.  Also, it's hard to understand each other if we can't see past each others' beliefs or differences.

Just because you believe a certain way, doesn't mean it's the only way.  Thank goodness.

So for the love of Christmas...stop using Facebook as your sounding board on issues such as these.

Because let's be honest...your rants are not going to change those issues or change the minds of whom read them.  Or change the President.  Or change who vaccines and whom doesn't.  Or change gun laws.  Or change the world.

Not to sound harsh - but most of us don't care!

If you want to make a change or difference, use your energy serving others.  Listening to others.  Being with others.  Learning from others.  Whom are different from you.

Life is messy enough without rants over issues that are never, ever going to go away.  Also, there are people fighting real life issues like cancer, loneliness due to their husband/wife fighting for our country - your freedom, a sick child, unemployment, or whatever kind of battles life throws at us.  We are all battling something.

So be kind.  Count your blessings, look around for the good things in life, and lay off all those silly e-cards.

Too much of anything is never a good thing! ;)

rant over.

Give 'em Grace

With my eyes still closed, praying under my breath "please Lord, just 30 more minutes of sleep!"  Okay...I give up!

Because let's be real - sleeping in is a thing of the past.

This is how I spend almost every morning, all while a 21 month old little boy (how in the world is he almost 2???) flips and tosses around in our bed as a little fish.  Clearly, ready to start the day.  While I feel like I'm still dragging for the day before.

And the day before that.

And the day before that.

Wondering why it seems like there is always dishes piled up in the sink.  Why I'm the only mother who can't seem to get it together.  Who clearly needs help in the cleaning department as I start the same load of laundry for the third time.  Or who needs therapy  since I feel like I'm a crazy train that just won't stop.  All the while, I'm the one driving this train.

Motherhood is non-stop.  Life is non-stop.  The days are non-stop.

Then all of a sudden you look up and you are wondering where in the world the time has gone.

Not only is motherhood non-stop.  It can also be so discouraging.  Almost on a daily basis.

I think it has to do with our own expectations.  Of what kind of mother we should be -whatever that means, what kind of mother we thought we would be (organized, have it all together, skinny & hip - for the record I am none of those), and just what we "think" motherhood should look like based on what others look like or have. 

I fall into this trap so often.
 
Social media can be wonderful, but it can also rob us of the very things that bring us joy.
It allows doubt, insecurity, and bitterness to creep in.  It only allows us to see the "best" in people's lives.  The glimpses of what people want us to see.  The perfect home.  The perfectly dressed or behaved toddler.  The perfect vacation.  The perfect life.

Don't get me wrong, I'd rather that than negative Nancy all day long.  I am all for these things and love seeing them, but I think it also allows the enemy to attack us.  To attack our sweet souls that are already thirsting for something this world can not give.

Perfect homes, perfectly dressed, well-behaved toddlers, the perfect vacation, or perfect life is just not real life.  We all have messes in our lives.  We all have struggles.

Yet, we still allow ourselves to compare each other.  In almost ever facet of our lives.

And all through the lens of a computer or phone screen.

There are days I just want to throw my phone in the trash.  All because I covet worldly things.

After talking to other sweet mommas, I realize it is not just me.  I am not alone in trying to navigate the waters of motherhood, social media, and the struggles that come with it.  Whether they be in the flesh or in the spirit.

While we often see "highlight reels" on social media - what about the things people don't see.  The struggles us as moms face.  The struggles us as wives face.  The struggles our kids face.

Those things are real.  So why do we not openly discuss those things?  Why do we not encourage each other?

It's much easier to protray a life of "all is good", than brokenness or struggles.  None of us want others to see or know our brokenness.  For if they do, we might be seen as weak, or not having it all together.

Well, let's be honest.  No one has it "all together!"  No one.  We are all broken.  In some way, shape or form.
  
Motherhood can be such a lonely world.  We feel like we have to do it alone.  We have to face each day with our best foot forward, regardless if we are falling apart inside.

We feel we have to do it all.  Because if we don't, then who will?

We carry the burdens of our families.  The feelings of our husbands and children.  The laundry basket to the washer, the dishes to the sink, the socks to the laundry basket, our sweet children everywhere we go -even when they aren't with us, and we carry our dreams for ourselves, our husband, and our children.  We even carry fake smiles for when we just aren't feeling it that day.

We carry it all.

So while we often feel alone, we really we aren't alone.

There are so many other mommas struggling.  Just like myself.  Praying under their breath for just a few more minutes of rest.  Praying for strength for the day.  Praying for patience.  Praying for peace.  Praying for the storm to pass.  Praying for her marriage.  Praying for a break-through.  Praying for grace.

Again.  And again.

If I've learned anything in my longest days of my life short 21 months of motherhood, is grace.

"Give 'em grace..."

God whispers that to me on a daily basis.  He knows I am going to screw up.  He knows I'm going to fall short.  He knows it all.  All of it.  He sees me struggling.  He sees me carrying that fake smile into Wal-Mart.  He sees me at my worst.  Even when no one else does.  He sees my brokenness.  He sees and knows it all.

Yet, He still decided to entrust with me with a little person.

So go and give 'em grace.  Give your children grace.  Give other mommas grace.  But most importantly, give yourself grace.

Every single day.

You are the best momma your child has.  You are the momma your child needs.  As scary as this sounds (to me anyway), you are the exact mother God knew your child needed.

Nothing more.  Nothing less.

So instead of showing only the highlights of our lives, show your brokenness.  For in our brokenness is where His light shines the brightest.  And because through the hard times, through the cracks, and through our struggles is where He gives us grace.

And His grace is enough.

This is my desire... (confessions of a SAHM)

 

Over sushi one Friday, I was talking with a good friend about being moms.  Parenting.  How we as moms often feel like our lives are one balancing act.  Yet nothing is in balance.  It's more a spin out of control, where has the time gone act.

She is a working mom.  Which I simply admire her so much for.

And to be honest, envy at times.

As we sat talking, she mentioned how she wish she was me.  How she wishes she could spend with her daughter the way I spend time with Brady.  I thought honestly who in the world would want to be me?  There is nothing glamorous about me or my life as a stay at home mom.

I humbly told her that I don't know how she does it.  Being a mom and working.  Takes a much stronger woman than me.  Then she said something that strike me.  "No, I think you have it much harder than I do."

I agreed there are days it's a real struggle.

But then I had to ask myself what is the real struggle?  The constant little person I have to tend to or the constant little person inside myself.  Known as pride.

Since I was a little girl, I dreamed of having a family.  I envisioned my life has a picturesque one.  Dream job?  Stay at home mom.  I mean if you've ever played the game "MASH" then of course, your life was going to be nothing short of wonderful.

Then you grow up and realize the game of MASH was so superficial and portrayed nothing what life would truly be like.  Even more so when you start to realize that this life isn't about things.  If only it was as easy as writing down your 5 dream cars & careers, the number of kids you'd like to have, the cities you'd like to live in, and your dream guy on notebook paper.

Our hearts, eyes, and minds become cloudy with the things of this world.  And this is where I find myself.  Being cloudy by my own wants and desires.

All grown up.  Living that life I dreamed of as a little girl.  With my dream job.  In a house thankfully, not a shack nor a mansion.

So why is it such a struggle?  Why do I envy my sweet friend who is a working mom?

Why am I not overflowing with happiness with this beautiful life that I've been given.  After all, it's everything I've always wanted and desired. 

Well from my past struggles, I've learned God does his best work when we struggle.  When we have no choice but to seek Him.  Seek His desires for our life, rather than our own.  Seek His Kingdom, rather than the world.

As I struggle with being a stay at home mom, I often find myself in awe of what God is showing me through His eyes and not my own.  Through His strength and not my own.  I also find myself drawing near to Him for every aspect of my life.

While drawing near to Him, I'm learning His desires for my life, look different than what my desires look like.  Learning that my purpose here is not to have those granite counter tops I dream of or that vacation I feel like I deserve.  Yet it is to serve Him.  To serve Him with all of being, not  just the parts I want.  It is about finding joy amidst my struggles.

Jesus tells Paul in 2 Corinthians 12:19, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." To which Paul replies, "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Serving Him means serving my family.  Serving Him in my house regardless of what kind counter tops I have.  Or the job I have.  And delighting in my weakness, hardships, and difficulties.  Lord knows being a mother means all of those things plus more.

I can't pray for Him to use me, yet still be wishing I had the things of this world.

"In order to be used, we have to be broken..." -Jeremy Camp

Before I had Brady, we prayed about whether or not I would return to work or if I would stay home.  Obviously we felt that I should stay home.  It was what was best for our family.  We decided we would give up our own desires in order to follow God's desire for our lives.  Our motto has always been, "we can always make more money, but we won't be able to back Brady's childhood." so that's what I've clung to.

Because honestly, staying at home as been way more challenging than I could have imagined.  For so many reasons but the obvious one being financially.  I sit and think of all the things we could be doing if I was still working.  Like those granite counter tops, that vacation to Disney I've always wanted, and high-lighted hair every month.

Clinging to the things money can buy is only destroying what God really wants for me.  Clinging to superficial things is a sin.  Clinging to any thing other than Jesus is what Satan wants for me.

The reality is Jesus doesn't want my life to be motivated by money or career but by Him alone.  And what His will and desire is for me.

As I sat in my car Wednesday at the water's edge, cellphone dead, baby asleep in the back, sun-roof opened, Matthew West coming through my speakers I sat in silence as tears rolled down my cheeks.  I felt so alone, broken, and weak.  I grabbed my Bible and Lysa TerKeurst's book and began to read.  Something I haven't done in some time due to just going through the motions.  As I read I began to see the bigger picture of my life.  Not just the mundane tasks I face everyday.  Not all the tangible things I didn't have, yet all the treasures I do have.  Treasures that I'm storing up not here, but in Heaven.  But mostly, I begin to feel God's grace fall and walls start to crumble.  Walls that had built up since staying home.  Trying to justify "my job" as a SAHM, to no one but myself.

I had started to believe the lies that Satan was telling me.  I had started to doubt my decision of staying home.  I doubted my purpose here on earth.

Then I read this on page 126... 

Ouch.

The underlined parts hit me like a ton of bricks.  Brady woke up as it was time for the Farmers Market to open and I drove away feeling like a person.  My heart overflowed with joy!  My soul refreshed. 

Satan wants me to doubt my job as a stay-at-home-mom or my job as a mom in general.  He wants me to believe I have no worth since I don't make X amount of dollars.  He wants me to believe I can do better.  He wants me to believe that all those things, such as freshly highlighted hair will make me feel better or bring me happiness.

Of course it will bring me happiness, but it will not bring me joy!

"This is my desire to be used by you..." 

My desire in this life is to do whatever God has called me to do and do it with great pride and joy!  Not with a bad attitude because I feel like I never ever have a clean house.  Or because I feel like I never get a break.  Or because I can't afford a certain something.

I don't want those things to control me or my life.  I don't want Satan to have that kind of power over me.  I don't any mother or person to ever feel that whatever they do in life doesn't matter.  Because it does matters.

God created us to desire Him.  To crave Him.  To follow Him.  Not to follow things of this world.  Or follow the "shiny" things in life, like shiny new counter tops ;)

Desiring Him, means fulfilling your purpose.  Which means my purpose as a mom.  I was made for this job.  And there is no greater job.

But I can't do it on my own strength.  So that's why I have to chase after Him, instead of chasing after the wind.  Ecclesiastes 1:14 says that man's pursuit of the things of this world "are meaningless, a chasing after the wind."  Lysa TerKeurst has this to say about that, "Busyness, chasing after achievements, and filling our days with man-made idols will leave us feeling empty and breathless.  We must fill our days with a rich relationship with God in order to feel fulfilled."

I have to ask Him daily to empty me of all the things that don't belong (my pride, my selfishness, my desires, my wants) and fill me up with the things He wants for me.  Fill me with things that do matter.  Fill me with the things only He can give.

Joy.

Peace.

Comfort.

Reassurance.

Grace.

Love.

My home is my mission field.  Brady's heart is my mission field.  Which means my job as a SAHM does matter and it is where God has called me at this moment in my life.  Not in the classroom teaching, where I wish I was some days.  So I will allow myself to rest in that, knowing that there is no greater joy than following what He has called me to do.  Even if it hard or not as glamorous as I envisioned as a young girl.  Even if it means formica over granite...

So I will cling to my desire to be used by Him where ever that may be.  And I'll continue to be incredibly humbled by His love for me.  I hope you can find rest in whatever you are doing, where ever you may be doing it.  What ever your mission field may be; whether it be a stay at home mom, a working mom (which I applaud you!!!), or one of those longing just to be a mom.

May His desire be your desire... 

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." -Galatians 6:9

Mini vacay to San Antonio

Back in December (the 14th & 15th), we took a mini vacation to San Antonio.  Mini as in an over night stay.  Not much but it was a great time with my little family.

I don't think I have any shared this but in December we had a big change happen in our house.  AB got a new job!  It was kind of out of no where and after praying for months for a change, we felt it was an answered prayer.  We had really hoped he could start after the holidays but due to other circumstances that didn't happen.  So within a matter of a few days, we were transitioning to a new life.  Where AB would now have a regular 8-5, Monday through Friday job.  With benefits!  Huge for our family.

So we decided to take advantage of his time off before starting his new job.  We also knew we wouldn't be able to really celebrate our anniversary (which is December 29th and when we had my family Christmas) so this was kind of a mini anniversary celebration.

I've learned that once kids are in the picture...anniversaries are a lot less glamorous!  And that is a-ok...

So back to the trip...we headed up Friday around lunch time.  We had no hotel reservations, we figured it would be no problem getting a room.  Ha!  For some reason, many of the hotels were booked solid but we did end up finding a room at Hotel Valenica.  One of the hotels I've always wanted to stay at, so it worked out rather nice.  Only down fall - no breakfast.  Breakfast is my favorite when on vacation.  Like I arrange my schedule around eating breakfast...which is a big deal since I am not a morning person!

Brady really enjoyed playing in the bath tub...getting in and out, over and over.

After a walk around the Riverwalk, we ended up having dinner at Paesanos.  We decided to eat outside in hopes the people watching would entertain B.  

 

The food was delicious!  And B had calamari for the first time ever!  He insisted on eating it so I said ok thinking he really wouldn't eat it...boy I was wrong!  He did really great during dinner and our food was amazing!

After dinner, we took a riverboat ride/tour to look at all the Christmas lights.  I think Brady enjoyed "talking" with the others on the boat, rather than looking at the lights.  Such a social butterfly!

We ended our night with a stop at Starbucks.  Starbucks is a real treat for us since the closet one is 25 minutes away.  B also got a special little treat, a snowman sugar cookie.

The next morning, we checked out of hotel and then headed to find breakfast.  We ended up finding a place on Yelp off the beaten path...that had the biggest plate of biscuits and gravy I had ever seen.  It was a LOT of food.  Enough to feed a small army!  There was no way I could eat all of it, but it was really good food.  Thanks to Yelp for the recommendation.

We ended up meeting up with B's cousins after breakfast and then headed back home.  I really wanted to make a stop at Trader's Joe but it was B's nap time and he fell asleep as soon as we put him in his seat.  There's always next time...

It was a spur of the moment trip, best kind in my opinion and I so enjoyed spending time away with my 2 boys!  I look forward to many more trips with them, even if it's just for a night.  These are the memories I don't ever want to forget!