Farewell 2013...it's been real

So I still have lots of blogging to do to catch up me up for 2013.  Like Thanksgiving, Brady's 2nd birthday party, Christmas day, and I'm sure a slue of stuff I never blogged about this last year.  That I wanted to blog about.

But if there is anything worth noting about the year, it would be this.  This is my story, my struggle, and my story of being healed.  And while it is really me pouring my heart out, it is His story to share.

Lyrics from "Keep Making Me" by Sidewalk Prophets

Before I even knew it, the year was coming to a close.  A year gone and honestly I didn't know if I was going to make it.  It seemed like life was going at warp speed and blogging was the furthest thing from my mind.

2013 felt like all I was doing was trying to catch my breath.  Trying to hold on to whatever I could grab hold on to.  2013 was a year of growth, stretching, and eventually landing on a firm ground.  Praise the Lord!

2013 tested me in ways I never knew possible, and while I kind of want to say "good riddance" to it, I also feel bittersweet about it ending.  I look completely different now then I did when 2013 started.  I have a sense of peace I didn't have at the start of the year.  I have a hope I didn't have at the beginning of the year.  I have a lighter load than I did when I started the year.  A load I didn't even know I was carrying.

2013 was a year of sweet redemption for me.  A year of breaking free.  Breaking free from the things that were silently killing me.

Back in September, my church was starting Beth Moore's study, Breaking Free.  I felt a tug in my spirit to do the study.  I put it off, insisting there was no childcare available.  Our children's director told me she would make sure there was someone there for childcare, if I wanted to go to study.  So I started three weeks into the study and B was the only child in the nursery.  I didn't know much about the study, other than Beth plays it straight and well, I didn't have anything I didn't to break free from.

I mean I had been saved, washed from all my sins, and made new again when I was 15ish.  I had lived a somewhat regular life of attending church, tithing, and memorizing scripture.  I realized I was still a sinner, but it my mind I was doing the Christian thing right.  I had it all together.

Wrong.

Yet, it wasn't until I started the study - I realized the life I had known was a complete lie.  Not just one lie, but many.  Lots of lies.  I mean more lies than I'd like to admit.

Now I'm sure you are thinking...what in the world?  Because I have thought those very same things.  After all, I'm just a normal, thirty year old gal, with a baby, husband, and dream job.  Stay at home mom.

But truthfully, while I had everything I thought I ever wanted out of life...I was empty.  I was lonely.  I was miserable.  I was one step away from selling my soul to the very thing I've fought so hard against.  The enemy.

I was broken.  I hated life and most things about life.

My dream job, I hated.  I hated my role as a mother, a wife, a friend.  I felt I sucked (sorry) at all of it.  I felt like is this really all life has to offer?  Because if this is it, I don't want it.

Life was hard.  And I could only ask "Why God is life so hard?" in between my tears and desperate calls for help, change, something, anything!

Six weeks went by from the time I started the study until we finished.  In short six weeks, I went from the absolute pits of hell to standing stronger, braver, and more confident than ever.

I stood as a daughter of the King.  Redeemed.  Loved.  His beloved.  With roots planted deeper than ever before.  A display of splendor for His kingdom.

For the first time ever, I didn't just believe in Him.  I believed Him.

I believed He came to heal me, rescue me, and love me.

Lies that I had plastered on the walls of minds begin to slowly fall away.  I began to see myself the way Christ has always seen me.

Beautiful and enthralled by His beauty.  Bestowed with a crown.

On November 14th (six days shy of my 31st birthday) after our final Breaking Free session (where I actually won the award for "most transformed"), I took this "selfie" on Instagram with this caption:

This picture marks a new walk in my journey with Christ. I have been transformed anew in Him. Chains that have bound me for far too long, stealing my hope & joy. Lies that I've plastered my mind with, replaced with His word & truth. Roots planted, anchored to His promises. No longer a slave to the sin that held me captive. I can't even tell you how thankful I am for these last 10 weeks of Breaking Free. I am His beloved and He is mine! This my friends is what victory looks like & that sweet angel in the back seat was worth the fight. He needs his momma & needs a well momma. Blown away by his unfailing love & grace today. "So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed." John 8:36 goodness who else can turn our beauty into ashes? No one but Him, lift up your eyes for mercy remembers your name. #mightywarrior #iamfreeindeed

I began to see how much of what I believed about myself....how I would always just be a depressed person, or how I would never get my anger under control, or how I wasn't a good mother to begin with so why would God give me another child after we suffered, yet another loss in September.  How this is just as good as life gets or the feeling as if I wasn't doing enough for to earn His grace were lies.

I began to see myself and life as I had never seen before.  I began to taste true liberty.  The kind of liberty that only comes through Christ Jesus.

Liberty to love myself.  Liberty to enjoy being a mom and stop blaming myself for past miscarriages.  Liberty to love my role as a mother.  Liberty to love my husband and home, the way God intended even if it wasn't perfect or even if I wasn't the best at keeping up with laundry.  Liberty to live life as a follower of Christ, and not a slave to the enemy.

I began to drink from the cup of living water.  I began to enjoy life again.  Enjoy this amazing privilege of being a mother, something that my heart longed for since I was a little girl.  I began to put up His truth in place of the lies and remind myself that He is good, even while we are being refined.

So while 2013 was a struggle to say the least, it was probably the most transforming year I have ever had.

He was good.  It was good.

I don't even recognize who I once was and never, ever want to go back to that Nancy.  While I don't ever want to go back, I can honestly say that if you had told me how awful this year would be with struggle, doubt, ruin, and despair;  I would walk it over and over again if I knew the end result would be freedom.  Because if I've learned anything this year is that God never, ever lets go.  Never.  He also only wants the best for us and just as we expect the best out of children, we have to train them in the way we want them to go.  It just doesn't happen.  Sometimes that means we have to do things we don't like in order to get their attention. Knowing the end result, will be worth it.

Worth it, it was.

That's why saying goodbye to 2013 is bittersweet.  Never have I had such a sweeter story than that of knowing Jesus the way I did this last year.  I am incredibly thankful for a church home that is willing to meet the needs of their people, for Beth's wisdom and heart, and for a God who is in the business of restoration.  He is good, y'all!!!  So be encouraged, cloth yourself with His word, and as Beth says,"make the devil wish he never would have messed with you in the first place sister!!!!!"

Isaiah 61:1-4

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
    because the Lord has anointed me
    to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
    to proclaim freedom for the captives
    and release from darkness for the prisoners,^[a]
2 to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
    and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
³     and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
    instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
    instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
    instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
    a planting of the Lord
    for the display of his splendor.

⁴ They will rebuild the ancient ruins
    and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
    that have been devastated for generations.

The healing has begun.... (part 1)

*warning - this is a deep post written mostly for myself so feel free to skip over it ;) it is definitely where my heart is and I don't want to forget this season in my life.

"You have carried the weight of your secret for way too long...but freedom can never be found behind those walls.  So just let 'em fall."

There are so many things in this life that robs me of my joy.  Robs me of who I am.  Robs me of who God says I am.

Yet, I still continue to allow myself to fall victim to those things.  Allowing my heart to hemorrhage, while looking for things to make it stop.

Earthly things.

Excessive-ness.

Shame.

Guilt.

"Misplaced worship is at the heart of all bondage."

Beth Moore, Breaking Free

Jesus said I died so you could get well.  He died to heal us from our transgressions.  So why don't we allow Him to do just that?

"He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted." 

Isaiah 61:1

So here I am laying it down.  Giving it to the only one who can heal my broken-heart.  The only one who can truly fulfill me.  Fulfill my heart.  Fulfill my soul. 

And bind up my heart.

Breaking me free what holds me in bondage.  Depression.  From miscarriages, from financial loss, and from just the weight of this world.

The need to feel accepted by others, the need to have more money or things, the need to look a certain way, the need to be something I'm not.

I'm not organized.  I'm not the best at keeping up the with laundry.  I'm not 130 pounds and probably never will be.  I'm not a size 6.  I'm not a very good housekeeper.  And I certainly can't do it all.

But those things don't define who I am.

"My people have committed two sins:

They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water."

Jeremiah 2:13

I have told myself SO many lies.  Time and time again.  So many times that I have believed them.  I believed I would always battle depression.  I would probably never have any more kids because of the not-so-great mother I am.  And I'll always struggle with money, whether I have to much or to little.

Yet, at the same time trying to save face that I have it all together.  That I live a life without struggle.  All those things are lies.  Lies from the enemy who wants nothing more than to drag my soul into the depths of hell.

My own cistern is a broken one.  One falling to pieces at the seams, filled with so many things.  Some that are wonderful and some that bind me to my fears and struggles.  Dug down deep.  Some things buried so deep I didn't even realize they were there.  Ouch.

I struggle daily.  Some days the struggle is so much it takes my breath away, and it literally makes me ill. 

But Christ tells us that He will uphold us.  Uphold our case.  And fight for us.

Oh sweet Jesus, what liberty is there in knowing that!

What if we would allow Him to be the depths of our well?  Instead of all the above.  Instead of chasing things in life that will never, ever truly fulfill us.  For me, it's almost too much to even comprehend.  But that is the amazing thing about Him.  We don't have to understand in order for Him to heal us.  Or even love us.  He does that regardless of our brokenness.

"Child, lift up your eyes 'cause mercy remembers your name and those tears you've been holding back, let 'em fall down like rain"

I am done fighting.  I am done trying to uphold myself and my case.  I am done chasing after things that will not fulfill my life or purpose.

I am done being quiet.  Acting has if Satan hasn't grabbed a hold of me and tried to destroy me like a thief in the night.  Robbing of my joy.

Christ didn't die so I could live a life of suffering.  Of course, He knew I would have sufferings in this life.  His word tells me that.  But without suffering, I wouldn't be able to draw near to Him.  Or He wouldn't be able to lift me from the living dead.

He desires to raise me from the living dead.  He desires to fulfill my life.  And He is fulfilled when I allow Him to fill me.

"The continued search for something earthly to fill our empty places is costly."

-Breaking Free, Beth Moore

Filling my life with earthly things just robs me of what He desires for me.  All the excessive things in my life (social media, entertainment, food) robs me of my time with Him.  Shame robs me of who I really am in Him.  Guilt robs me of His peace.

Depression robs my soul, my life, and my family.

But no longer sisters....today's the day!

The healing has begun...

I am breaking free of those chains.  Lifting my eyes and laying it down.

Because what was lost, has now been found.

I am taking my tattered, worn, battered, and broken cistern to the Living Well and leaving it there.  I don't want to carry it around anymore.  I want to be His bucket.  I want Him to fulfill me and sustain me.  Not earthly things, not stuff, not hurts, disappointments, losses, or struggles.  Just Him.  Sweet loving, merciful Jesus.

"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.  Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a wiling spirit, to sustain me." 

Psalm 51:10,12