the woman who gave me life

There are so many things to say and yet I'm almost at a loss for words. But I also don't want to forget the goodness in which Christ lavished on us so here goes...

Thursday, January 28th in the wee hours of the morning, my loving mother and Brady's Mimi peacefully in her sleep went home to be with Jesus. Tomorrow will be two weeks, a whole two weeks. In ways it feels like she's been gone for so long, yet feels like it was yesterday.

My sister woke me at 5am and said through tears, "Nancy, she's gone." I'll never forget that moment. Hours before we had been in my mom's office area, laughing between our tears as we scanned photos of my mom, listening to sad depressing songs mixed in with funny upbeat songs.

Thursday morning as a new day broke through...darkness to light, we sat with my mom. Tears filled our eyes as we missed her instantly. Yet, we knew that mom was in in the presence of our heavenly Father and what glory, oh sweet glory she was experiencing.

Nothing can compare to the glory that will be revealed. {Romans 8:18}

My mom loved the Lord with all her heart, mind, and soul. Her most favorite thing to do was worship. She listened to her worship music everyday as she got ready. You could hear it streaming from her bathroom every single time she got ready. There would be times in the hospital where the room would be filled with talking and then all of a sudden you'd see mom with her phone and music streaming out of it...her eyes closed, singing.

We played worship music non-stop by our bedside during those 3 weeks she was home on hospice. It was a comfort for her, but also for us. Now my dad keeps the worship going in the bathroom as my he gets ready each day. And for me at home, worship music is never too far from where I am.

I find it so strange that whenever you experience such a devastating loss, that while your world stops, the world around you just keeps going, keeps spinning. In one way, it's good because it forces you to put one foot in front of the other but in another way you're trying to comprehend how does your world go on?

I remember telling Allen before my mom even passed..."how do you go on without your mom? There hasn't been a day in my life that I haven't had my mom."

But you do.

It's what my mom would want - she even told me "you will go on and yes, it will be hard but you'll do it and your faith will be stronger because of it. And you'll be better because of it."

I told her, "that's easy for you to say!" 

But just like always...momma knows best and all. She knew me better than I knew myself. She was my biggest cheerleader. She believed in me and always pushed me to go after my dreams. She saw things in me that I never saw in myself. I remember her telling me from a very young age, that God would use me to do great things for the Kingdom. I really had no idea what that even meant, until now. She was my counselor and best friend.

Thursday as the sun came up, I crawled in bed with her and had coffee with her one last time. We always loved our coffee time together. Due to the disease, my mom had stopped drinking coffee months ago, but she always asked me if I wanted to stop at Starbucks whenever we were out.  

It was a very cold morning in Houston. Frost even on the ground. But the skies were so clear and blue and the sun warm. And STILL, not a breeze to be felt.

My beautiful mom looked as peaceful as she did the night before when I kissed her goodnight...just a few short hours prior.

As I look back on the days before her passing, I realize just how much God loves us. How He doesn't miss a single detail. How even though our prayers were answered differently than we had hoped, He is STILL good. Even that morning as I sat with her, the peace He gave us was almost tangible.

Of course, we were devastated by the fact that our mom physically would not be here, but at the same time we all felt relieved that she was free. That our prayers had been answered. His perfect will done.

Who are we to say we that we need more time with her? Or why didn't you heal her here?

I'll be honest and say I did question through this and I did wonder, ask, and why?

Because I am STILL of the flesh, but the flesh is not where I fight my battles. Thankfully, I don't fight any of my battles...that's why He has given me His spirit. For me to be STILL so He can fight for me.

And that's where we win. When we realize death doesn't mean defeat. For my mom as a believer of Christ, she won the ultimate victory. To be reunited with Jesus.

Praise be to God.

One of the very first things my mom told us after she said she'll fight this but either way...if she's healed here or healed in Heaven - she wins! Sucks for us here if she goes but she wins! I think we even told her, geez thanks mom!

But she's right. And while it does suck here for us, we have to know that she won and there is no greater place to be than in the presence our of Father.

I mean I can't even imagine what it must be like to worship Him in heavenly places. I know how great it is here on earth, but that is nothing compared to what my mom is currently experiencing. I'm almost jealous and it only makes me more excited to be reunited with her one day.

I've thought a lot about death lately. And one thing that really gets me is why we view it as such a sad thing. I realize we're human and selfish and we want our family members here with us, but at the same time His word tells us, we shouldn't love this life even unto death. And death is simply a fact of life. It's unavoidable. 

We should want to be with Him, more than anything in this world.

When I think about my mom, I don't think about her dead- but alive! More alive than ever! Just the other day when I was crying, Brady (who just turned 4) said "mom, it's okay because now Mimi can walk without help and play, and she's all better."

I thought he is only 4 and gets it and he's so right. My mom isn't sick anymore. She hated being sick and not being able to do like she did before. My mom was always doing, cleaning, cooking, going, and doing some more. She made me look lazy most days, ha!

"Your glory God is what our hearts long for...to be overcome by Your presence, Lord." 

Thursday, January 28th will forever be etched in my mind, but not because of death. Yes, it's when my mom left her earthly home but when I focus on things that are eternal- it was my mom's home going. Back to where she belongs.

He loves my mom more than any of us here on earth did and I have to know that His love is enough. He loves me just the same and because of that love, we have the promise of heaven.

January 6th, when they told us we would go home on hospice my mom told us, "don't question what kind of love that is, if He chooses to take me home. Because that's the ultimate love..."

So that Thursday morning as we grieved for my mom, we also rejoiced for the great love He has lavished upon on us through this journey and continues to to this very moment.

He has been SO good to us through it all. Even the hard places. Even on that Thursday morning when our world stopped.

We miss her terribly, but we know our troubles here are momentary. We know because of His great love we will get to see her again and oh what a glorious day that will be.

My mom would never want us to remember her because of her death, but rather because of the beautiful soul and life she had here on earth. The life that God granted her in the first place. She was our mother, friend, and Mimi but she was His. Daughter of the one true King.

He just graciously entrusted her to be my mother here. And for that I can't help but lift my hands in praise & thanksgiving for such a precious gift. Out of all the girls in the world, He picked Rhonda Lee Meador to be my mom. And what an amazing mom she was.

I treasure those final 3 weeks at home with her. The talk she gave me about how to go on, just like her to still be guiding us as she is dying. Always thinking about us, rather than herself. Always offering loving advice, even things we'd rather not hear but she knew we needed to hear them.

So much of who I am is because of her and her faithfulness to Christ. Years ago, I gave her a wall hanging that says, "Everything I am or will be, I owe to my mother." She has it displayed on her dresser. I had no idea how much truth was in that sign until now.

It was evident last Saturday at my mom's celebration service how loved she was. My mom didn't have many requests for her service, actually she didn't have one thing planned (other than she wanted to be cremated and no flowery, sad funeral speeches, ha!). Death never scared my mom and she wanted us to focus on life- the life she lived so well & the fact that she would never really die thanks to the Cross.

We had an out of box celebration service for my mom and while she wasn't physically there, she was very much there. Her spirit will never leave us. I can still hear that familiar voice guiding me and letting me know, "it will be hard, but you'll get through it."

Oh how we miss her! How I miss sitting next to her bed reading scripture to her, praying over her, kissing her, smelling her hair, looking at her sweet & soft hands, and telling her, "mom, we'll be okay!" The truth is we are alright and we will be alright. I know she would be so proud of my dad, oh my dad- he has held so steadfast to his faith, never wavering. She would be so proud of my brothers and my sister, how we've come together for each other.  The hugs a little longer & tighter, phone calls more frequent - just like she's always wanted. 

I hope I never forget the day she went home and how God truly held us in the palm of His hand. It was beautiful and peaceful. Yes, it was hard but even in the hard He is STILL good. Before they took my mom, my dad asked if we could have a few last minutes alone with her. Just him and his kids...I hadn't finished reading Mark out loud with mom so I asked if I could finish reading the last 2 chapters. Afterwards, I prayed one last time over my mom and for us. It was quiet and about mid-way through the prayer I began to hear song birds outside the window. Loud and clear. So much I got choked up and stopped praying, thinking of how He even takes care of the birds and how when we're STILL we notice Him and all His glory.

And if you know my mom she absolutely LOVED birds! Her office is decorated with birds & one of her guest rooms also we call the "bird room."

Mom, I know you're flying high...FREE as a bird. Soaring on wings of eagles. We miss you more than words can even express but so thankful you taught us to say, "whatever my lot...it is well, well with my soul!" 

To the woman who gave me life, I owe all that I am to you. You taught me how to courageous, how to be brave, how to see the good in life, and how to love. How to take care of my family by cooking, cleaning, and taking pride in my home. That this life isn't about things but about the ones we've been entrusted too. How to be a wife and mother. How to live with no regrets. How to write. You taught me how to stand on my own two feet, which I thought I'd never be able to do. You taught us kids the importance of marriage. You lived your faith out as an example for us and you poured your life into us. You taught me that no matter what- you never take your eyes off Jesus. He is where our help comes from and for that I am able to stand today...2 weeks after you've gone home.

I can't imagine the celebration you are having in the presence of our King! What wonder of love...

Memorial video played during my mom's service. The Love Story was written by my mom on her and my dad's 25th wedding anniversary and read by me and my sister. The end portion where my mom is talking is audio I recorded shortly after we were told we were to go home on hospice. It truly displays the very heart of my mom. So blessed to call her my mom.

Knees to the Earth

I used to blare Kirk Franklin throughout our apartment when we lived in San Antonio. I had suffered a miscarriage, couldn't find a job and I hated life! I thought of ending my life almost on a daily basis. It was such a dark time in my life & I thought I'd never have real joy in my life. It would be almost 3 years before I would be set free from depression. 

I spent many hours on my knees, crying out in our walk-in closet.

Knees to the earth.

Other than Allen, my mom was my biggest cheerleader. She encouraged me, lifted me up, and prayed over me time & time again. She knew that God had great things in store for me, if only I could see what she saw & what Christ saw in me. She knew I'd overcome and pushed me to get help time & time again. Honestly, I just thought "it was just who I was" (oh the lies I believed), but mom knew that was NOT who I was. She has poured Christ into me since I was a little girl. She always told me I'd do great things for the Kingdom.

Now the tables have turned and I have the honor & privilege of encouraging, uplifting, and praying over my mom. It's tough watching your mom suffer, but more than anything it's tough watching her spirit suffer. Because I know that is NOT who she is. And I know she IS and will continue to do great things for the Kingdom.

This, her diagnosis, her cancer journey is just the beginning. I often joke with her about being her booking agent or when will start speaking about the miracles God is doing.

Cancer is physically tough, but mentally & emotionally I can't even imagine. Basically, it's a death sentence [IF you choose to see it that way]. But as believers we know Christ already conquered death & we are ALL dying little by little every single day. It's how we chose to live each day that matters. Not next month, next year, five years from now, etc. So I choose not to see it as a death sentence, but yet a spring board for God's goodness & grace.

Perspective is everything.

Our minds are programmed to think towards the future, but I'm starting to believe that's not at all how Jesus intended it to be for us. Always chasing the next best thing, the next vacation, the next promotion, the next, the next...

Isn't today enough? Isn't HE enough?

I bow my knees to now. Today. This day whatever it may bring. Thanking Him for today. Even thanking Him for the hard- this hard, cancer. I look for opportunities I can seize today. I also threw out the expectations of THIS world. I want to be in this world, but not of it. 

I want the lens of grace.

The grace that transfigures all. After all, isn't that why Christ suffered the ugliness of the Cross? To transfigure us, through grace. To prove there is beauty in the suffering.

When we lay it down, knees to the earth we empty ourselves. Emptiness is then filled with His grace. Maybe that's why His grace abounds in deepest waters...

Our vantage point changed. Transfigured.

We must change our lens in order to see the God of Transfiguration. To experience fullness. Grace. Beauty.

I remember once mom told me while sitting at the kitchen table...that isn't it sweet to be in the valley. I cried. All I wanted was to be on the mountaintop (or dead) because the valley was hard. But she was right.

Life is full of valleys & it seems we're in the valley more than we are on the mountaintop, but maybe it's not the valley that's hard but our perspective that makes it hard. Satan wants nothing more than to keep us in chains & play with our emotions. Our perspective gets blocked & we feel hopeless. 

But our knees are our vantage point in the hard. 

Where we bend the knee and meet Christ face to face. 

Where darkness transfigures into light, sufferings transfigures into grace, bad turns to good, and pain births new life.

It IS a sweet, sweet spot. 

Sometimes I wish I could go back to that closet with Kirk Franklin blaring & tell myself THIS is where your pain will be used for good. For the Kingdom. He picked me & you mom for Him. For His Kingdom. For His good.

He picked you for this. Like Esther, "and who knows you have not come to the Kingdom for such a time as this?" (Esther 4:14) 

So Mom it's sweet to be in the valley. The valley is where sweet surrender happens, where we're transformed by His grace and love. Consider it ALL joy - the valley & the mountaintop. Consider this time just a resting spot but not a destination. 

God wastes nothing.

So bend the knee, give thanks for the pain, and transform your perspective.

May you have eyes to see the mountaintop God has before you. The beauty in the pain.

But meanwhile knees to the earth. Emptying out yourself where grace transfigures all.

Even cancer.

"Proudly refusing to accept this moment (including the HARD moments), dismissing it as no gift at all, I refuse God. I reject God." 

"Thy will be done," - not just in heaven, or down the road in the future in this world, but in this world at this very moment." 

This very moment...

Mom- i love you madly! Lift up your face for mercy remembers your name!!

Tomorrow is a new day but tonight blare some Kirk Franklin & lay down your fears at the feet of Jesus & yes buy that gift & dye your hair & do all the things you normally do because you are STILL living!!! & according to AB you will be for a while ;) we're still in the fight! It's time to get back in the ring & show the enemy just WHO you really are!

And I'd gladly walk through my darkness 100x over it means that I'm able to face this with my mom. I'm thinking knees to the earth with thanksgiving is the only way to live.

Lacking Nothing

I should be packing for Costa Rica or cleaning my house or doing laundry.  I am set to leave on Satuday for Costa Rica for seven days.  For my first mission trip.

It's something I've been anxious about.  While I want to be excited about it, I can admit I am a little fearful how it will change me.  I know I can't come back the same person I currently am.  

Change in the flesh is scary.  But change in the spirit is even scarier to me.

Because when you are changed in the spirit, you no longer can live the same way as you did before.

My eyes can't un-see things once they have been seen them.  Whether good or bad.

My heart can't undo the things it has experienced or seen.

Like how being a mother has changed me in more ways than I could have imagined.  While my body physically changed, my heart and spirit has changed the most.

This past week has been a roller coaster in regards to my mom.  She was set to begin her clinical trial this week.  A routine biopsy landed her in the ER at M.D. Anderson.  Which then lead to being admitted into the hospital.

Tuesday afternoon, we headed to Houston while I sent out flares to my prayer warriors.

Of course, a million things went through my mind as we headed to Houston.  I tried to let go of my fear.  I tried to find my footing in an unknown situation.

When we arrived at the ER room, mom was having an episode of uncontrollable shakes/chills, high heart rate, and low oxygen.

I leaned over her and began to pray.  Asking His spirit to fill that place, to make her whole.  To make her new.  To breathe new life into her heart and soul.

Her shaking became less obvious and her vitals started to even out.  I sat on the edge of her bed continuing to ask for His spirit to pour into that small room.  Filling every square inch.  Lacking nothing.

Then I thanked Him.

Thanked Him for the chaos and unknown.

Thanked Him for loving my mom and us so much, that He would even endure death so we could live.

While I tried to hold back tears, tears rolled down my cheeks and I knew that from here on out, none of us would ever be the same.

He is constantly calling us to change.  To leave the former things behind while making things new.

Change is necessary.

My mom can't remain the same.  I can't remain the same.  We can't remain the same.  For it's in the deeps of souls He urges us to change.

He urges us to die to ourselves in order to live for Him.  Die to the old, where fruit is no longer plentiful.

We simply can't be the same as we were before or the Cross would be lost.

Just as my upcoming trip to Costa Rica will stretch me and change me, this too is stretching me and my family.  I used to think that the person I was, was just who I would be.  I'm learning now that this person I am now, will look different as my relationship with Christ evolves.

He never intended for me to simply just be.  Or for any of us to just be.

We can't change without suffering.

Suffering is where we learn to die to ourselves and cling to Him.  It's in our sufferings we are able to sort through the places in our heart and soul that cause us to doubt, be fearful, or feel hopeless.

It's the place where our faith meets the road.  Or at the bedside of a hospital bed.

The road where we can either pick up the Cross and follow Him or pick up our worldly baggage and continue to walk a life of uncertainty.  Focusing on the impossible, instead of what His word tells us about how He can do the impossible.

That we shouldn't be afraid for He's already conquered death.

If we traveled through this life without pain, then we wouldn't have to follow Him.  Or need Him for that matter.  I am learning that it's through our pain we are able to birth new life.  It's where the change happens.  Total transformation.  The old dies away and the new begins to grow.

But the old can't die without enduring the suffering.

And He can't display His glory without suffering.

The greatest suffering ever known was done on the Cross.  And it was done for His glory.

We can't see His glory without the suffering.  He can't reveal Himself to us in ways like never before without it.

"God you pursue me with power and glory
Unstoppable Love that never ends
You’re unrelenting with passion and mercy"

This week has been a true test.  Thankfully, nothing can separate us from His love.

My mom has written on a post-it hanging in her kitchen window that says, "Turn every test into a testimony."

Our faith has been tested.  Our worries, doubts, and fears tested.  Our patience tested.  Our flesh tested.

We've prayed hard.  We've searched for hope at every corner.

We have discussed details over lab results, CT scan results, blood work, and honestly none of those things add up.  But what does add up, is His mercy and kindness.

He has meet us every step of the way. He has held us, sustained us, and rescued us.  Even before we knew we needed rescuing.

He has filled His with Spirit, filling every inch of our souls.  Like flowing water...He quenches our thirst.  Our hope restored.

Showing His glory in amazing ways.

This morning mom will receive blood due to low hemoglobin levels.

He will breath new life into her.  New crimson blood.

It's like Easter all over again for us.  His blood poured out for us.

Making us, my mom new.  Whole.

Lacking nothing.

The gift He gave us on the Cross - redemption through His blood.  We exchange the old, for new.

I almost can't contain myself for the change my family is experiencing.  Without the struggles this week, we wouldn't have experienced such glory.  We wouldn't have been able to rest in knowing regardless what changes here on earth, You Jesus remain the same.

That You own the moon and stars.  That You hold mom in the palm in your hand.  While she is SO precious to us, she is even more precious to You.  She's your beloved child, adorned with your righteousness.  You created her and have loved her at her darkest.  You have called her to the depths of the ocean, where she is learning to find her footing.  Where she is learning to trust without borders.  Where she is learning to weave this test into a beautiful testimony.  Where you are changing her, in order to change this world for your Kingdom - for your glory.

Mom has said from the beginning, she feels honored He chose her for such a time as this.  I can't think of a more courageous stance to take.

So while change is scary and uncomfortable at times, we know that THIS change is what will bring redemption and transformation.  

His blood runs through our veins, changing and restoring us. 

May He continue to change us while being our constant, steadfast peace.  The hope that anchors our soul.

Lacking nothing.

We thank you, Jesus for the change that is manifesting through this test.  Our hearts are overwhelmed with your love for us that is freely given to us.

We thank you, Jesus for your valiant warrior who I am beyond honored to call my mother.  And you call your precious child, daughter.

She embodies what it means to take up the Cross and follow.  You weave us with your love, making us new, lacking nothing.

"And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another." 2 Corinthians 3:18

Victorious

He's never failed us and He won't stop now.

At this very moment, my mom is meeting with her oncologist to over CT scan results.  They are routine every 8 weeks to check progress.  But for whatever reason, she and other seem to think this will be different.  This one will determine what is next.

I had decided early on that I would not go to the appointment.  And even had I wanted to go, it wouldn't have been possible since I've been sick.  God's plans are always greater than ours.  So instead of being there physically this morning, I am there spiritually.  My heart and spirit is stirring this morning as I cling tight to what I know is true.

My reasoning for not going to the appointment, while I would have went for support for my mom, dad, and sister - I just felt it wasn't necessary.  Mostly because for me - I already know who gets the victory.  Who wins this battle.

Whether mom lives or dies, I know she wins either way.  That's the beautiful thing about this and about our suffering.

We are victorious because of Him.  He is our victory.

Not matter what the doctor reports may say.  No matter what we are faced against.

Romans 8 brings me so much comfort this morning.  There is SO much truth in How we live through His spirit.  Yes, we are weak but He is strong.  How we are more than conquerors.

"If God is for us, who can be against us?  He did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for all- how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?"  Romans 8:31-32

He calls us to be courageous.  He calls us to be bold.  He calls us to do the impossible.

I used to think He called us to hard things before my mom's diagnosis.  I mean hard things I can semi handle on my own, right?  Hard doesn't necessarily require full surrender.

But yet the impossible requires total surrender.  He wants to be the one who gets the glory!

Only He can do the impossible.  Only He can fix the impossible.  Only He can heal the impossible.  Only He can defy the odds.

Being faced with the impossible at first can seem so daunting.  But when we fix our eyes are Him, instead of the mountain that stands before us - anything is possible.

So this morning, I can sing His praises because of the work He is doing through her and through this.

I can cling to knowing our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. (Romans 8:18)

What glory it will be!  What glory it has already been!!

My mom has stood in oceans deep that is for sure.  He has called her into the deepest waters, where His grace abounds in ways we can't even express.

And she may continue to stand in oceans deep while she fights for however long...but we know that there is so much beauty in the refining process.

I often say, I can't wait to see where this road leads to.  Yes, while it's not always pleasant and sometimes painful to experience - I know it is nothing short of the glory that will be revealed.

And that actually excites me for what is to come.  I go back to when my mom was first diagnosed and she said to me through tears..."it's like God has pushed me out of the boat and said okay, let's go and do my work!  And I am so jazzed to see what He is going to do through this."

Tears filled my eyes.

I can only hope if I'm faced with incurable cancer one day, I have that kind of bravery.

So mom no matter what news we hear today - remember what it felt like when you said those words.  Remember you are more than a conqueror.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."  Romans 8:28

So while cancer, chemo, and all the things that come along w/ this awful disease sucks, we know we serve a God much stronger and bigger than any doctor's report.

We know He is for us and we praise in Him for carrying us thus far.

We've seen miracle after miracle in the last ALMOST 7 months.  That's right, they didn't expect you to live past 6 months and here we are...past the 6 month mark and you are not only alive, but thriving.  You are making waves in your fight.  You are taking back what the enemy has tried to take.

And for that we lift our hands and voices...for no matter the news today - we already know the outcome.

Victory through Him and through us.  Victory through you, mom.

Mom, you inspire SO many through this.  You inspire me to dig even further into my faith.  To press into Him even more.  To cling to not the things of this world, but to eternal things.  You are a living vessel of what it means to be his servant - to say yes to the impossible.  Because you are willing to do anything in this life to bring Him glory...even if it means  fighting a cancer that may take your life.  You are so loved!  Keep your boxing gloves up,  but also know He will carry, sustain, and rescue you when you need a break.

As Aunt Judy says, there are no gaps!  Because we already know who wins this battle.

So with hands lifted high this morning...we give God thanks for the impossible.  For bringing us to our knees where He can meet us like never before.

And we give thanks for victory in Jesus.  

"No, in all things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height or depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."  Romans 8:37-39

There's an army rising up and it is nothing short of fierce. So bring on the impossible for we for know if God is for us, no one can be against us.

He created us for the impossible and the impossible is where He meets us face to face.  The impossible is where God gets the glory, not man or our flesh.  Isn't that what He designed us for - to bring Him glory?  To let Him work through and in us for the sake of His kingdom?

I often tell mom, what a force to be reckoned with after she comes out of this...what a testimony she will have.  Already has.  If I was Satan, I'd be running for the hills ;)

Believing, praising, and flooding the gates of heaven with worship for what God is doing through the impossible.

Because y'all He can do the impossible and for that we are victorious, no matter what we are told today.

"We sign hallelujah...the lamb has overcome."

Remarkable.

I haven't done an update on my mom lately, so I thought it was time.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate the text, calls, and quick "how is your mom?" when I see you face to face.  I have been blown away through this journey by people simply just being kind, concerned, and encouraging.

We are just short of FIVE months since we received the devastating news at M.D. Anderson.  The news was grim, discouraging, and anything but hopeful.

At mom's first appointment, we met with a surgical oncologist.  Because she had a mass and that mass needed to be removed.  That's what we would do, go in and remove it.  Simple enough, right?  During that appointment, it was very clear it was not that simple.  Or that straight forward.  Or just a mass.

Questions swirled around in my mom, sister's, and my head as we listened to what the doctor had to say.  There really is no way you can wrap your head around what they are trying to explain to you.  For one, you don't want to hear what they are saying and two you feel like your in dream (and not a pleasant one).

Basically the surgical oncologist, said surgery wasn't an option.  The word he used to describe my mom's tumor/mass was "interesting."  I'm not in the medical field, but I didn't take it as a check in the plus column.  In other words, he told us the tumor is WAY too big, surgery was not an option, and while surgery would be the goal we want to attain, it's not likely.

From there we meet with an oncologist, where we were told the kind of cancer mom had was incurable.  It's a rare form of cancer and they haven't had much success with chemotherapy, but the best they could do was give us a 6 month time-frame, and it was a shot in the dark as far as the treatment working.

The doctor wanted to discuss prognosis with my mom, she declined and told him, "he didn't have a crystal ball and it wasn't up to him.  Also, that he didn't know her God."  She lifted her head up and looked at all of us kids and asked us, "are y'all ready to fight?  Get your gloves up!"  And the fight was on...

About eight-ten weeks into her diagnosis, mom ended up with jaundice.  Her liver basically just quit working due to the tumor.  Mexico doctors told her she needed to get jaundice under control and to have M.D. put in a stent.  Mom's bilirubin levels were out the roof!  To the point, where her body should have been in toxic shock.  But she wasn't, it wasn't, she wasn't running a fever.  Yes, she was sick and yellow up to her eyeballs literally, but it could have been much worse.

A miracle.

She had her first stent procedure late October, which turned out to be successful.  They had the head surgeon on the case and he said it could take up to four hours.  He spent all the evening before studying my mom's anatomy to make sure he could get the job done.  He said it would be tough, but he wouldn't give up.  Didn't even take 45 minutes.  He said it looked much better once he got inside, than on the scan.  During the procedure, I spent time down at the hospital chapel with my Starbucks latte, pleading for peace and for my mom to come through this - not knowing all that had been said about how bad it might or could be.  Dr. Lee couldn't have been more pleased with the way the procedure went and couldn't get over how amazing of a lady my mom was and the kids she had raised (all 4 kids were there).  He said it's a testament of the kind of person she is.

A miracle.

After the stent, her jaundice cleared out rather quickly.  But, we found out at that time that the tumor had grown.  A lot!  Like an inch, give or take.  It was already the size of a large grapefruit to begin with...so now we're talking a personal size watermelon.

Our hearts sank, once again.

I'll probably never forget the night mom called to tell me.  It was the first time in this entire journey, I thought this is it - prepare for the worst.  Up until that point, I never wavered or doubted she'd make it through this.  But this news, sent me over the edge.

How could this be?  I mean, they originally told us it was probably slow growing, been there for 2 years, etc.

It was at this point, mom felt she had to pull out all the stops and decided to do chemo.  She immediately got started with chemo.  M.D. Anderson wouldn't plan any further out than 8 weeks.  They didn't give us much info, just we'll do 4 rounds of chemo then reevaluate.

But since the very beginning of all this, she has said it doesn't matter what treatment I chose - God simply has to heal me.  Whether that meant healing here on earth or taking her home to heal her.  Either way, it was God's plan and while she wasn't thrilled about leaving this earthly home, she decided to leave it up to Him.

Fast forward to late December.  Mom had an appointment with the oncologist on December 18th and would have her 4th round of chemo.  The oncologist remarked and was so pleased with her blood work regarding the cancer marker numbers.  He said the numbers were so good, that he wanted to do another scan to check progression and then if the scan reflected what the numbers were showing, then surgery might be in the future.

Surgery????

She had a CT scan on Monday, December 29th and went to see the Dr the next day (Dec 30th) to have him read the results.

"Remarkable" was the word he used.  He said he hasn't really ever seen anyone respond to treatment this way.  And kept commenting on how strong of a lady my mom is.  She says, "she's not strong, that it has nothing to do with her."

So here we are...less than five months from diagnosis, no real hope for surgery, and according to M.D. we should be close to planning my mom's funeral.

Another miracle.

Because mom is rocking chemo, she feels better everyday.  She looks amazing!  She's had minimal side effects, compared to what they told us.  And she's not only living, but thriving!  She's excited about life and this journey.

And tomorrow around lunchtime, she is meeting with the surgical oncologist.  The same one she originally met with in August, who basically said, "I'm sorry Mrs. Meador, we can't help you!"

This is just the medical miracle of this story.  There are so many other miracles that have happened through this and I can't for my mom to share with everyone.

God has met us at every fork in the road, at every appointment, at every high, and every low.  He has navigated this ship.  He has carried us when we were too weak.  He has brought redemption in places we thought might ever be possible.  But with Him, all things are possible.  (Thanks to my sweet friend Brooke, who got me that bracelet at the beginning of this- has been such a great reminder!)

We cried out to Him and He calmed the storm within.  His grace abounds in deepest waters.

While the chemo maybe helped shrink the tumor, there is only one way mom could and will survive this.  Either way, we'll give Him praise for this battle and for the miracles within it.  God's ways are higher than ours, than any doctor, or treatment.

He is steadfast, true, and thankfully still in the business of healing people, miraculously.

He is remarkable.

And we are so thankful for each of you for praying on behalf of my mom.  Without those prayers, this would have been impossible.

He replied, "Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." 
Matthew 17:20

Season of Thanks

When the seasons change, it allows for new beginnings.  Texas is known to have several seasons in one day.  This fall has been a rather chilly one, compared to the past few years.  We've had colder weather for longer periods.  Fall and winter have always been my favorite seasons.  For many reasons, I love wearing big sweaters that hide my fluff, cute scarves, and curling up on the couch with the warmth of a fire.  Also, it means Christmas is near and there are so many things I love about Christmastime.

This Thanksgiving as been different.  This Christmas will be different.  The rest of my life will be different, if I'm being honest with myself.

That's what happens when the tide rises, bringing chemo treatments, scans, more doctor appointments, and waves of fears and unknowns.

While all those things fill my calendar, along with birthdays, school programs, lunch dates - I can't help but focus on the difference on years past.

Before my mom's diagnosis (I refuse to use the "c" word, mostly because I refuse to proclaim that over her life), life was normal.  My mind often thought about the normal life things such as paying bills, making my grocery list, dreaming of the farmhouse I want to build one day, getting mad over things not going "my way" or whatever else may have seemed to matter.  Basically, I didn't have much to fret over, yet I fretted.

It's not that those things don't matter and of course I still pay my bills, but what truly matters has certainly shifted.  Along with the things I am thankful for.   Nor do I fret over things the way I did before.  Life is too short and precious to fret.

I am thankful for a perspective change.  I'm thankful even for the bad days because it means I still have my health, I'm still able to pick up the phone and call my mama, or get in the car and go see her even though 100 things went wrong.  Like our A/C going out or the hot water heater or our microwave/vent-a-hood all within a 3 month period.

This is the first season in my life, where I am thankful for the storm.  Yet it's the toughest storm I've had to weather.  The time in the wilderness with my mom's illness has been nothing short of amazing.  Hard, yes.  Incredibly hard.  There have been moments I wasn't sure I'd make it to the next.  My heart ached to the point of physical pain, tears I thought might never cease, and times I wanted to toss my anger into the sea - along with Satan aka cancer.

But thankfully, those moments are few and far between compared to the moments where God has reached down, carried me, held me, and sustained me.

And for that I am thankful.

So often I see signs of hope as I go throughout my day.  On the rough days, God shines so bright that His goodness captivates me.

And I can't help but sing of His praises..."Though my heart and flesh may fail..."

Sometimes it is as simple as a small gesture from a random person.  Sometimes it's through Brady.  Sometimes it's through a random text from a dear friend, simply to say, "How are you?  Praying for you!"  And other times it is no denying, it is simply God reaching down from above.  Like how lately, I've noticed some of the most beautiful sunsets or skies.

On my 32nd birthday (November 20th), I remember kind of dreading it because while it was my birthday, it was also mom's day of more blood work, follow-up with the oncologist, and then round 2 of chemo.  She normally always comes to see me during my birthday and while I was okay with her not being here, I hated knowing she was even having to go through this whole process.  Being at M.D. Anderson, isn't exactly a fun, hope-filled day.  Brady had school that day and on the ride there, we prayed for Mimi and tears filled my ears as Brady prayed for her and told me, "Mimi is going to be okay!"  And all was right in my world.  I let go of the anxiety and fears, and knew I must trust Him....and Him alone.

After school, he was telling me about the bible story Pastor told them.  He said,"there was a lion who just fell over and then God just held Mimi!  That's just what He do."

And for that I am thankful.  Thankful for child-like faith.  That my 2yr old (almost 3) is able to see God holding Mimi even when I'm not.  Oh my heart, be still.

Cancer has a way of spiraling you into whirlwind.  Everything prior to that dreadful news almost seems like a whole other world.  And you're now entering a new world.  Or new season.

Because this is just a season.

This will not be my world forever and I refuse to allow it to take over my world.  But I will allow the storm to rage.

And I'm actually thankful for the raging storm.

Jesus never promised us that storms wouldn't rage.  He actually told us storms would come.  I'd almost be more worried if I didn't have any storms in my life.

But this storm is different than those past.

Those past I thought I wouldn't make it through to the other side.  Similar to how the disciples felt when they followed Jesus on the boat to "the other side." (Mark 4:35-41)

The waves were so big, almost capsizing the boat.  But yet, Jesus slept.

The disciples worried, even waking Jesus to ask Him, "if He cared that they may drown?"

After Jesus tells the waves to be still.  He replied with, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?”

So this Thanksgiving season, I am thankful for the storm that rages while I stand firm in my faith and be still.  Knowing it is through the storms, our faith is strengthened.  Where Christ meets us, tattered and broken.  And maybe it's not so much about the storm, as it is about us learning to trust in Him - regardless of the storm.  It's about our focus in the storm.

My mom has been so courageous through all of this.  She radiates what it means to stand on the solid rock.  Of course she has moments of fear and struggles with the unknown, but one thing she does know is her illness is no mistake.  Of course, He didn't give her this illness but what she chooses to do with it is a divine appointment.

She said from the very beginning, if this will bring Him glory than she's ready for the ride!  She feels honored He has chosen her and this is just the beginning of her story, her legacy.  Wow, what a legacy!  This will give her a platform to transform so many hearts, as it already has.

What Satan intends for harm, God will use for good.

And good it will be. 

So while we weep on some days for cancer just plain sucks.  We also rejoice for we are walking this road along side a God who loves us more than we know and will do anything to bring us to the point where we can rest in Him, trusting Him.  Even when the waves are crashing.

So for this storm, I am thankful.

Thankfully, our suffering is never in vain.  It is our sufferings that cause us to cling to Him, resulting in full abandonment of the things of this world.  Transforming us to be more like Him.

He wants us to come boldly before Him, knowing our circumstances aren't ideal but even when the odds are stacked against us - we remain in Him.

We are able to lift our hands and praise Him...in the hallway, while we wait.

With thanksgiving...His word tells us. 

 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ⁵ Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. ⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

⁸ Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. ⁹ Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.  Philippians 4:4-9

So this season in my life, I have so much to be thankful for.  For when we shift our eyes away from our problem and focus on Jesus, we're able to be sleep in the stern of the boat while the waves crash over us...because even the wind and waves still know His name.

So let go and trust in Him.

Thanking & praising Him for this season.

For this storm.  The peace in my storm.  For I have nothing to fear.

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass

through the rivers, they will not sweep over you...

For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your God."

Isaiah 43: 1-3

Grand Cayman {Day 2} Rum & Starfish Point

We arrived Saturday afternoon in Grand Cayman and spent most of time, getting groceries, navigating our way around the island, and checking out the million dollar view once we arrived at the house.

It had been a long day of traveling, so Sunday we spent most of our time just relaxing and semi-planning out our week.  Being with such a large group and that Georgetown was almost an hour away, we had to plan accordingly so we could fit in what each person or family wanted to do.  We did manage to get out to see Rum Point & Starfish Point later in the evening.

The sun coming up...

I woke up and had my coffee and quiet time on the back deck.  Couldn't find a more picture-perfect place to study God's word.  The picture below is the view from our room......talk about waking up refreshed every morning!

The boys were such troopers the day before with all the traveling.  Now they were free to play & explore!

We found a fresh coconut on the beach, so my dad cut it open for us.  We ended up opening two up over the week.  Having fresh coconut is the best!  We used the "coconut milk" in mom's smoothies, was delicious!  If you look real closely in the next picture, B is on the beach and not real happy that daddy is way far out there.  He is the little black speck towards the left-middle of the picture.

Simply paradise!

Later that evening we decided to take a quick trip down to Rum Point.  We were only a few minutes from that part of the island.  We ended up getting a few rum drinks, taking a quick swim, and checking out the shops.  But first we took a few selfies! ;)

Can't go to Rum Point and not get rum!!

Later that evening, we all took a trip even further to the tip of the island -to Starfish Point. This was probably our favorite beach/place that we visited.  So neat to just walk out into crystal clear water and see starfish!  Also, not crowded and perfect for the kids.  I mean look at these two cuties!!!  Loving every minute.

Mom's feet

We learned later you aren't supposed to bring them out of the water.  Oops!  Aren't they just amazing?!  We all took turns holding them.  Such a sweet time!  And getting to watch the sun go down over the water - simply breathtaking!

We had to walk down a bit from where we parked, but the view on our way there.  I really can't get over how beautiful it was there!

Love this photo of mom.

"You call me out upon the waters

The great unknown where feet may fail

And there I find you in the mystery 

In oceans deep

My faith will stand"

So many people have sent her that song ("Oceans" by Hillsong United) as encouragement. 

Perfect end to our first full day in Caymans!!!