Following You

Yesterday, we attended the early church service. It is also the contemporary service. We also decided to try out Sunday school. Both of these a first for us.

Pastor Mark started a sermon series on "Hurts, Habits, & Hang-ups." Essentially letting go of the things that we hold on to, or use to keep us from furthering our relationship with Jesus. I would be totally lying if I didn't think to myself, "oh I don't have any of those!" When I look at my life, I like to think it's a pretty decent, good life. I am extremely blessed, thankfully, I'm not addicted to drugs or alcohol, no I haven't been terribly hurt by anyone in my life - but as Pastor Mark preached about "hang-ups", I realized those things don't have to be major issues or trials in your life. They can be simple as eating too much or over-spending.

First, I realized who am I to question God on why I am having a son rather than a daughter. Who am I to question his will for my life? Clearly, He knows best and why do I continue to question/wonder/and let's just say flat out discredit the one I know has my heart in the palm of his hand. The one I know has a life for me better than my wildest dreams.

Part of it comes from fear and being afraid of what might happen if I allow myself to get closer, or to truly follow His will for my life. One of those - be careful what you ask for kind of deals. Knowing that if that is his will for me and I truly want to live my life for Him, that I must not be afraid or anxious.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:6-7

I also realized that we often use control as a way of hiding behind those hurts, habits, & hang-ups.

Let's face it, it is our human nature to want to control every facet of our life. If we can control something, we feel more comfortable, we feel as if we have it all together. When clearly, the reality is we are probably unraveling at the other end. Or at any moment, things are going to come crashing down on us.

Why do we feel the need to control? Pastor Mark said because of the 4 F's: fear, failure, frustration, and fatigue. These are the things used in playing God.

Ouch! Am I not guilty of all 4 of those?

Fear and control go hand in hand. For me, fear drives me to want to be in control because I don't like not knowing what is to come, whether good or bad. But scripture tells us fear is not of the Lord.

God did not give us a spirit that makes us afraid but a spirit of power and love and self-control.
2 Timothy 1:7

And of course no one wants to fail or be looked at as a failure. But I think it is through our failures, we truly experience God's grace and mercy.

Frustration just causes one to become angry and resentful. Building up walls if you will.

While fatigue allows us to make excuses, put things off another day.

For years, I have prayed for God to lead me to a place where I can do the work of His kingdom. To place me where I can serve Him. That I would find "my calling" as we often like to say. What is my purpose here on earth? I think our whole life is a journey in serving & seeking Him, regardless of where we are or what we are doing at this particular moment in our life. We are always seeking a will and a purpose because I believe that is what makes this life a journey, our own written story.

If we didn't continue to seek and search for His next plan, step, or will for our life - we wouldn't experience the greatness that God has to offer. He didn't ask his disciples to follow him for a little while or a few months but yet their whole lives.

And that is where a simply comment can change your life forever. Where following Him can sometimes be complicated, only because we, the flesh make it that way. Goes back to that whole, need to be in control issue.

You see, while I was completely convicted yesterday at church on many different levels, I realized that God listens to your every word, prayer, and thought. He knows your heart inside, out. And regardless of my hurts, habits, & hung-ups - He loves me more than I could ever know.

And yesterday, He wanted me to know He is real.

Real in the sense that He has it covered because He has already written my story. He knows what is to come and what's next and if I want to be "real" then I will follow Him regardless of how hard of decision I have to make.

He is quick to remind me...he was scared, he was second-guessing when he was in the garden preparing to die for our sins. He was ridiculed and mocked, beaten and bruised BUT He still found strength to carry the cross and go through with what was the plan/will for His life. Dying on the cross for all of mankind. Wow!

So whatever your hurt, habit, or hang-up is will you still follow Him when you are called?

I hope and pray I can and will.

After all, He gave his life for me, for you.

And my life is all I have to give...if this life I lose, I will follow you.

For I stand in awe of all I see.

In Due Time...

Warning: this is a rather lengthy post & one that you might call "deep!" But it is as real as it gets for me...

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time."
1 Peter 5:6

So I will admit, I am probably my own worst critic. I guess I have to also admit I can tend to be a cynical person. I realize I have lots to learn about myself but lately I have been learning a lot. Some good, some not so good.

You see, the thing is I tend to allow myself get caught up in my struggles, in the things that are going wrong - instead of what's is going right. I tend to see myself as unworthy, hopeless, and undeserving. But the truth of the matter is none of those things are true. So why do I struggle so much with this issue?

If I have learned anything in all my struggles & suffering during the past 9 months, it is that God's love will never fail me. Even when I turn away.

It is so often that I ask myself for answers and it is so often He answers me. Maybe not the way I was expecting or maybe in not the timing I was hoping. But the beautiful thing about all of this & that is that it has allowed me to really dig into His word.

You see I was baptized when I was in the 9th grade. I remember that day as if it was yesterday. I remember the alter call. I remember feeling so vulnerable, feeling so ashamed, and feeling so broken. But what I remember most was the feeling of grace and mercy washing over me & my sins.

I knew I was "his called, chosen, & faithful one."

I think I had a preconceived notion, that that meant I was "exempt" from trials & tribulations. Or more I am just a naive person. I have lived a rather charmed life. Even as a child and I know that is more than most people can say. So now that I am experiencing "life" it is definitely an eye opener to knowing that life is not a bowl full of cherries.

Disappointment is hard for me. I despise disappointment. Just ask AB ;) But yet I often hold on & linger to the disappointments of life. AB often calls me "rain cloud" and it is true. I'd rather relish in my sorrow, than rejoice in my blessings. I think some of it is human nature and some of it is simply the feeling of unworthiness.

So if I know I was "his called, chosen, & faithful one" - why would I feel like this, you ask or really I ask myself?

In doing Beth Moore's Revelation Bible study (which I HIGHLY recommend) - God has revealed himself in so many ways, that I can't even keep track. Lately, I have been blatantly asking him to "reveal himself to me...", "show me what is you are trying to teach me..." let me just say be careful what you wish or ask for! (I actually wrote another post about this last week but haven't had the guts to post it.)

Not only has He revealed himself but I have learned more things about myself, about the love of Jesus, and just about the Bible in general. There are so many magnificent things about God's love that just amazes me. I literately am in awe of Him! I am also more in love with Him, than ever before. In the beginning Beth talks about the church (which sister, we ARE the church - you & i) has forsaken their first love. (Revelation 2:4) I think it happens and we don't even realize it.

The most beautiful thing about our struggles is we know in due time, he will lift us up. He will lift us up out of that pit. You see, how can we be over-comers if we have nothing to overcome. God created us in his image and he created us to be over-comers. To conquer! Even in death, we overcome! And he never said it would be easy. AB so often tells me "if it were easy, everyone would be doing it..." and I think this is so true about life. Life is straight up hard. Life is cruel. I know I have talked about that before. But sister girl...this life is NOT forever! Thank you Jesus! What is forever is our eternal life with our King of Kings, Lord of Lords.

While I often get caught up in my selfish needs & wants of this world which tell me I am "unworthy". I am also getting caught up more & more in the miraculous love of Jesus, which tell me I am more worthy than ever! I have had to surrender myself all over again as if I was sitting in the pew the day I accepted him in my heart. Over ten years ago.

I realize now I can't really truly understand the depths and power of his love without having to walk through the valleys. Jesus also walked through a dark time, right before he would die for me, for my sins! My sufferings will never compare to the suffering he faced the day he was nailed to the cross.

My mom told me back in November on my birthday that she wishes I would see myself the way Christ sees me. The way he sees my heart. After telling her some of things I have learned and the way I view things differently. Like through my experiences, I have a new found compassion for the homeless. Jesus would often fellowship with the least likely of people. The most of broken spirits and the most humble of people. Mom said something to me that I often repeat to myself "looks like it is good to be in the valley..." and you know she is so right.

This morning, I was reading in 1 Peter and God opened my eyes up to so many things. I realize this post is rather long but I just can't leave this part out (I don't want to forget any of what I'm learning). In 1 Peter, the apostle Peter offers hope and encouragement to suffering Christians. The faith and hope Peter writes about amazes me. Mostly because he is writing during the great persecution under Nero and Peter is executed during this time. How many of us can say we would boldly stand up for Jesus, even if it meant our own life would be taken. Essentially in 1 Peter 1, Peter says that yes, you will "suffer grief of all kinds of trials...and these have come so that your faith - of greater wroth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory & honor..." (read 1 Peter 1:6-9). In the footnotes, it says "We must accept trials as part of the refining process that burns away impurities and prepares us to meet Christ. Trials teach us patience and help us grow to be the kind of people God wants."

Can I get an amen?!?! This is why I am so in awe of Him. He never ceases to amaze me. To show me the why's of life. To assure me, all of this is part of his perfect plan. I love, love, love it!

I want to soak up every moment that God reveals himself to me. Every moment he showers his grace & mercy on me. For the first time in a long time, my spirit is filled with his heavenly spirit. This girl feels the holy spirit inside her again. This girl feels a love that she knows is only from Jesus. This girl knows that there is none like Jesus.

I know I will experience more struggles throughout this life and I know they will be struggles of a different kind. But I also know that in due time...my glories & riches will be heaven, not in this world or on this earth.

I also know that my struggles are a part of my story and testimony. My song that one day will be sang in heaven. And I want to it be a sweet, sweet song...so whatever this life may bring me, I pray through it all, it only brings Him glory!

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matthew 6:19-21

If you are going through struggles in your life and feel hopeless, please know there is hope. I will soon post about my struggle with depression. Also, (I normally would never do this on here but I feel led to do it) if you have never asked Jesus to be ruler over your life and would like to, I would love to prayer with you! I never want anyone to miss out on the love of Jesus.

Thank you Lord Jesus for a peace without understanding, a peace only you can give. Thank you for suffering on the cross so that I may have eternal life...a life without suffering, without sadness, without darkness. Thank you for accepting me time and time again, even when I doubt or feel unworthy - when truthfully because I am yours, I am worthy! You created me and made me in your image and I know you, God, makes no mistakes!

"They will make war against the Lamb, but the Lamb will overcome them because he is Lord of lords and King of kings—and with him will be his called, chosen and faithful followers." Revelation 17:14

Hope

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

Romans 5:3-5

The Un-imaginable...

While I can not even imagine the heartache and the pain these families feel and while I do not personally do not know either family, it still breaks my heart to hear their stories. I ran across The Sullivan's Blog Monday or Tuesday night...and since then I've seen it mentioned 3 other times from various places & blogs. I am not really sure why...but I think it is something that needs to be shared. When something like this happens - like the unimaginable all I can think is that it is our duty to pull together and lift up one another in prayer. Please read this incredible story of a inspiring FAITH...I think we can all learn something from Sara Sullivan.

The Sullivans

There is also another family who I would like you to pray for. There is now a family with a newborn and 4 older children who have lost their mother and a husband grieving the loss of his wife. It is so hard to wrap your head around God's plan...but I guess it's not our job to understand His plan.

The Fowler Family

I know both of these families need your prayers more than ever! Not to damper your mood even more but lately it seems like my life has been surrounded by death. Two days ago the elderly man that lives downstairs from us, who walks his dog everyday, is always outside cleaning his patio, etc...passed away and for some reason it has really been bothering me. This morning I woke up at 10 til 6 wide awake, thinking about this man who I barely even knew (other than the occasional hello, how are you?). I even made a comment to AB, I'm really worried and sad about our neighbor. It was about a quarter to 4 Tuesday afternoon when I looked out the patio door and saw not one but two SAPD cars - I thought that's strange so I walked outside and there was 3 police cars and they were at the door of the apartment downstairs. I went to the grocery store and came back (30 mins later) and they were still here and now there was a SAPD truck here with a camper on it and EMS. I continued to look out the blinds occasionally and around 5pm, the medical examiner pulled up, got out of her car w/ a camera and a guy took several white folded blankets/sheets out of the back. My heart then fall into my stomach...I called AB at work and he said go ask if everything is okay. So I did and the look on the police officers face said it all. They did say it is not a safety issue or concern for the residents but that considering the circumstances things are the best they could be. Finally, at 6pm the officers locked up the apartment and left. I am assuming the man lived alone. We have never seen anyone else in or out of the apartment. My heart just aches for his dog. He walked that dog everyday and you could tell they were the best of friends! And for the man himself. I have yet to see anyone at the apartment since then...until now, looks like some kind of cleaning person and I'm not talking about Merry Maids. A guy in a white pick-up with gloves, cleaners, trash bags, etc. It's like I'm watching a scene from CSI or Law or Order...only it's real! Just makes me wonder if there was anything I could have done to help him...I guess it's more of the unknown that makes me uneasy. And the fact that there has been so much death around me lately. But it really makes me stop and think about my life and the life that I lead and how maybe I should step out of my comfort zone a little more because you never know how might need your help.

On a lighter note, now that I've depressed you all...last night was my 3rd week of women's bible study at Oak Hills. It was so uplifting! Funny because I really did NOT want to go and almost acted like I forgot but conviction set it and I said okay, I will go! I definitely want to share with you because it was a very powerful message BUT I have LOTS of sewing to do in order to get Honey B. Boutique up and running! And I'm sure you other things you need to do too - other than read my blog. Ha! Also more on Honey B. Boutique to come...