The Motions

Life is so full of uncertainty. And during that time of uncertainty normally comes a wide mix of emotions...sadness, anger, hurt, joy, fear, doubt, anxiousness, laughter, and whatever else you want to throw in there. Life sometimes is just hard...I'm sure all us can a-test to that. While I truly believe we must walk through the valleys to stand upon the mountain top and while no one ever said it would be an easy journey...lately my journey has been one rough ride. I have been blessed beyond measure yet I still struggle with what God has store for me. Trusting is sometimes so hard - especially when you see no light at the end of the tunnel but I know trust is what allows us to grow. Growing - something that is also painful at times. Just when I think I have it all figured it...well my human flesh then lets me down when I know that I am not the one in control or in charge. Allen will tell you first hand...I have a hard time, not being in control :) I will be the first to admit...change, trusting, growing, and letting go are wonderful things yet so easy to resist. Moving to San Antonio has been a HUGE adjustment for me (as well as challenge)...and often times I resent the fact that we did move here. College Station was home to me and now I'm in an unfamiliar place, where at first I did NOT want to be and this is still a work in progress. Over the past months, I have tried to figure it all out...why are we here? when we will move? what is next? where will we live? where will I work? how much money do we need? and the list goes on! Literally, driving myself crazy trying to understand. I know God has great things in store for me & for Allen but sometimes it's hard to see, more importantly hard to just trust & believe! And the hardest part is that I don't want to miss out on today because I'm so worried & consumed with tomorrow or the future.

So...I wrote this post actually on July 21st and didn't have the courage to post it. Now here I am 2 weeks later reading and the funny thing is BELIEVEing is sooo much a part of my "problem" more like the lack of believing. I am currently reading Joyce Meyer Enjoying Where You Are on the Way to Where You Are Going and the chapter I just finished specially talked about believing. Joy & Peace are found in Believing and it's up to us to BELIEVE! In the book, Joyce tells us: Jesus did not die for you and me that we might be miserable but that He died to deliever us from every kind of depression and misery. His work is already finished, and the only thing that remains to be accomplished is for us to believe. The particular section of this book is "What's the Matter With Me?" which is so ironic because I'm always asking "what is wrong with me?", "what did I do wrong to deserve this?" and now I realize how foolish I was. Nothing is wrong me other than I simply doubt rather than believe! I am doubting the call on my life (to be a teacher, small business owner, giving wife, faithful servant), wondering if & when he would provide me with a job to meet our financial needs, questioning my decisions, etc. As Joyce says "I was doubting instead of believing...I had become negative instead of positive."

The journey of finding a teaching job here in San Antonio has been a very difficult one for me. One day I believe & the next day I doubt...in constant limbo! And I wonder why I'm crazy?! ;) LOL! And while I KNOW, I KNOW all things work accordingly to God's plan, doubt "Satan" still creeps in and I think finally today I realize I am the winner in this whole ordeal because I now KNOW nothing is wrong with me...I just need to BELIEVE, regardless of my situation or circumstances. Seems like we (I) always tend to make things in life more difficult when they don't have or need to be. It is times like this when I am so thankful - I learn so much when I walk through the valleys of life. What a wonderful blessing to have His grace & mercy even when we doubt...

"May the God of your hope so fill with you all joy and peace in believing (through the experience of your faith) that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound and be overflowing (bubbling over) with hope." Romans 15:13 Amplified Bible

"I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in Him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13 NLT

'Cause I don't wanna go through the motions, I don't wanna go one more day without Your all consuming passion inside of me. I don't wanna spend my whole life asking, "What if I had given everything, instead of going through the motions?" -Matthew West