Friday, August 16, 2013

Oh My Soul

So the blog has been neglected for some while now...sorry  about that.  We have truly just been living life.

But tonight I am overwhelmed with emotions.  It's just one of those times I want to look back and remember.  Remember how exactly how I felt.


But so loved.

Moved to tears.

But filled with grace.

"Ever faithful, ever never let go."

I am a night owl by nature.  I love the night time.  And when we lived in San Antonio I spent most nights up all night.  I would go into my sewing room, turn on K-Love, and just pour my heart into making little outfits.  Dreaming of the day, I had a business - a real business.  I had a business name back then and I had a small booth in a shop but let's be honest, it was no money maker.  More like a money hole.

But I kept sewing and kept listening to K-Love.  It was "my happy place" if you will.  It was just me, the music, my machine, and the quiet night.  I spent many of nights thinking about the future.  What it might look like...and not so much my business, just life.  I longed for brighter days.  Days where I was free from the chains that bound me.  Free from feeling the need to leave this world and escape.

While I loved the night, I dreaded the morning. I dreaded the day time.

I dreaded life in general.

I felt defeated and unnoticed.  Left out.

I was living in the darkest days of my life.  Which is maybe why I loved the dark.  Life in general was dark.  I had to search for the light in this world.  I had to force myself each and every morning to face the day.

I had to cling to the only light I knew...Jesus.

Now as I find myself working many nights - sewing, pouring love into each and every shirt I create...I cannot help but think about those nights in San Antonio.  And how He so much has orchestrated my life.  Every single piece of it.

I cannot help but think how He has carried me all this time.

Never letting go.

Even when I did.  Even when I didn't believe.

He has never let go.  Never.

I no longer dread the day.  I no longer feel defeated.  Or left out.

Yes, there are things that I wish were different at times - but who doesn't.

We all struggle.

While fighting depression, deep dark depression was one of the toughest things I've ever had to do, I can now say I am so thankful for that season in my life.

For now, I am beginning to see how those days nights orchestrated such sweet surrender for a life much better than I could imagine.  His plans may not be always be what I have planned, but I'm learning His plans are better.  His ways are better.  And His love is undeniable. 

Looking back those nights and days in San Antonio where I desperately cried out to him are now some of the sweetest.  So much easier to fix our eyes on Him when we have no other choice.

Oh, my soul
Oh, what love, oh, what love
Oh, my soul
Fills hope
Perfect love that never lets go

Lyrics: Never Let Go by David Crowder Band