Give 'em Grace

With my eyes still closed, praying under my breath "please Lord, just 30 more minutes of sleep!"  Okay...I give up!

Because let's be real - sleeping in is a thing of the past.

This is how I spend almost every morning, all while a 21 month old little boy (how in the world is he almost 2???) flips and tosses around in our bed as a little fish.  Clearly, ready to start the day.  While I feel like I'm still dragging for the day before.

And the day before that.

And the day before that.

Wondering why it seems like there is always dishes piled up in the sink.  Why I'm the only mother who can't seem to get it together.  Who clearly needs help in the cleaning department as I start the same load of laundry for the third time.  Or who needs therapy  since I feel like I'm a crazy train that just won't stop.  All the while, I'm the one driving this train.

Motherhood is non-stop.  Life is non-stop.  The days are non-stop.

Then all of a sudden you look up and you are wondering where in the world the time has gone.

Not only is motherhood non-stop.  It can also be so discouraging.  Almost on a daily basis.

I think it has to do with our own expectations.  Of what kind of mother we should be -whatever that means, what kind of mother we thought we would be (organized, have it all together, skinny & hip - for the record I am none of those), and just what we "think" motherhood should look like based on what others look like or have. 

I fall into this trap so often.
 
Social media can be wonderful, but it can also rob us of the very things that bring us joy.
It allows doubt, insecurity, and bitterness to creep in.  It only allows us to see the "best" in people's lives.  The glimpses of what people want us to see.  The perfect home.  The perfectly dressed or behaved toddler.  The perfect vacation.  The perfect life.

Don't get me wrong, I'd rather that than negative Nancy all day long.  I am all for these things and love seeing them, but I think it also allows the enemy to attack us.  To attack our sweet souls that are already thirsting for something this world can not give.

Perfect homes, perfectly dressed, well-behaved toddlers, the perfect vacation, or perfect life is just not real life.  We all have messes in our lives.  We all have struggles.

Yet, we still allow ourselves to compare each other.  In almost ever facet of our lives.

And all through the lens of a computer or phone screen.

There are days I just want to throw my phone in the trash.  All because I covet worldly things.

After talking to other sweet mommas, I realize it is not just me.  I am not alone in trying to navigate the waters of motherhood, social media, and the struggles that come with it.  Whether they be in the flesh or in the spirit.

While we often see "highlight reels" on social media - what about the things people don't see.  The struggles us as moms face.  The struggles us as wives face.  The struggles our kids face.

Those things are real.  So why do we not openly discuss those things?  Why do we not encourage each other?

It's much easier to protray a life of "all is good", than brokenness or struggles.  None of us want others to see or know our brokenness.  For if they do, we might be seen as weak, or not having it all together.

Well, let's be honest.  No one has it "all together!"  No one.  We are all broken.  In some way, shape or form.
  
Motherhood can be such a lonely world.  We feel like we have to do it alone.  We have to face each day with our best foot forward, regardless if we are falling apart inside.

We feel we have to do it all.  Because if we don't, then who will?

We carry the burdens of our families.  The feelings of our husbands and children.  The laundry basket to the washer, the dishes to the sink, the socks to the laundry basket, our sweet children everywhere we go -even when they aren't with us, and we carry our dreams for ourselves, our husband, and our children.  We even carry fake smiles for when we just aren't feeling it that day.

We carry it all.

So while we often feel alone, we really we aren't alone.

There are so many other mommas struggling.  Just like myself.  Praying under their breath for just a few more minutes of rest.  Praying for strength for the day.  Praying for patience.  Praying for peace.  Praying for the storm to pass.  Praying for her marriage.  Praying for a break-through.  Praying for grace.

Again.  And again.

If I've learned anything in my longest days of my life short 21 months of motherhood, is grace.

"Give 'em grace..."

God whispers that to me on a daily basis.  He knows I am going to screw up.  He knows I'm going to fall short.  He knows it all.  All of it.  He sees me struggling.  He sees me carrying that fake smile into Wal-Mart.  He sees me at my worst.  Even when no one else does.  He sees my brokenness.  He sees and knows it all.

Yet, He still decided to entrust with me with a little person.

So go and give 'em grace.  Give your children grace.  Give other mommas grace.  But most importantly, give yourself grace.

Every single day.

You are the best momma your child has.  You are the momma your child needs.  As scary as this sounds (to me anyway), you are the exact mother God knew your child needed.

Nothing more.  Nothing less.

So instead of showing only the highlights of our lives, show your brokenness.  For in our brokenness is where His light shines the brightest.  And because through the hard times, through the cracks, and through our struggles is where He gives us grace.

And His grace is enough.

Mother's Day 2013

Oh my word!  It's been over a month since I last posted.  Hello, life with an almost 17th month old and a part-time workin' (sewing) momma...

I miss blogging so very much!  I'm not sure how to fit it into my hectic schedule...but I am working on figuring that out & so I'm taking a few minutes while B. naps to record the wonderful Mother's day I had.

We started it off by going to church and thanking the gracious Lord above for the rain.  We've been in a severe drought and yesterday it poured down rain.  The grass & the birds were so happy!  Before church, Brady gave me a card & 2 gifts I'll treasure forever!  A mother & son Willow Tree figurine and this masterpiece that him & his daddy made me.

I plan to hang this in our bedroom on my side of the bed to let it be a reminder of how loved I am.  To B...there is no one like "mom-ma!"

After church, we decided we'd grill hamburgers for dinner so we made a quick trip to H-E-B then ran across the street for some fine dining at KFC.  There aren't many eating options around us anyway and the last thing I wanted to do was fight the crowds or wait on a meal.  So we had KFC buffet and it was perfect.  Nothing fancy, just greasy :)

Mmm, hush puppies in the mouth are yummy!

We then did a little bit of cleaning and enjoyed more of the rain.  I also made a new pie recipe and put it in the freezer to chill.  If you've never made Millionaire Pie...I suggest you make it for your next gathering.  It was easy & sooo good!

This little guy would agree as he got to lick the beaters...for the first time ever!

Calories don't count on Mother's day, right?!?!

That evening we had Allen's parents and his grandmother over for hamburgers, chips & dips, and PIE!!!  AB did a great job grilling the burgers & I enjoyed having people over. It's been a good while since we've had anyone over for dinner.  Hence the no time, a messy house, & a toddler!

I ended the night by dying my hair a reddish color.  Ha!  With the help of AB.  We haven't laughed so hard in such a good while.  That was my pampering for the day.  As you can tell from these photos...I was due for a hair color.  And I really need a haircut...such as life as a mom.

He gives the best hugs ever!  These are the moments I want to hold on to forever.

I can't help but look at these photos and realize how truly blessed I am to have the title "mom" or as B says "mom-ma" - it is most definitely one of the hardest jobs I've ever had but it is also the most rewarding.  And my gosh how quickly do they grow?!  

Everyday I am in awe of his little mind and the things he says or does.  I can't help but look at him and see God's handiwork.  What a masterpiece He has created in us and in His/our children.

the red marks on his cheeks are from my lipstick :)

I also can't help but thank my own mother for being the amazing woman she is.  Raising four children deserves a medal!  All traveling in a travel trailer the first few years of our lives...so my dad could provide for us.  And to do it with such grace and never complaining.  She revolved her world around us kids and I can't thank her enough for that.  For raising us to be who we are today.  She should be so proud of herself and of the children, now adults she has raised.

Mom - Mimi...we love you!  I look up to you in some many ways and I hope my kids will look back and see the kind of mom I see when I look at you.  One that gave everything to her kids, that went without so her kids could have, and one who was brave enough to stand up for us when no one else would.  And one that loved us well.  Loved us more than anything on this earth.

I love you mom!  I am so thankful God picked you to my mom, He knew you were born to be just that...a mother and now a mimi.  No greater love than that!

I'm also thankful to have a mother-in-law who loves me and does so much for me.  She also raised an incredible son that I get to call my husband.  I can't thank her enough for him and all that she does for us, which is a lot!  We love you Nanna B or Neena as B says :)

God has truly blessed me beyond what I can imagine as far as mothers go!

This is my desire... (confessions of a SAHM)

 

Over sushi one Friday, I was talking with a good friend about being moms.  Parenting.  How we as moms often feel like our lives are one balancing act.  Yet nothing is in balance.  It's more a spin out of control, where has the time gone act.

She is a working mom.  Which I simply admire her so much for.

And to be honest, envy at times.

As we sat talking, she mentioned how she wish she was me.  How she wishes she could spend with her daughter the way I spend time with Brady.  I thought honestly who in the world would want to be me?  There is nothing glamorous about me or my life as a stay at home mom.

I humbly told her that I don't know how she does it.  Being a mom and working.  Takes a much stronger woman than me.  Then she said something that strike me.  "No, I think you have it much harder than I do."

I agreed there are days it's a real struggle.

But then I had to ask myself what is the real struggle?  The constant little person I have to tend to or the constant little person inside myself.  Known as pride.

Since I was a little girl, I dreamed of having a family.  I envisioned my life has a picturesque one.  Dream job?  Stay at home mom.  I mean if you've ever played the game "MASH" then of course, your life was going to be nothing short of wonderful.

Then you grow up and realize the game of MASH was so superficial and portrayed nothing what life would truly be like.  Even more so when you start to realize that this life isn't about things.  If only it was as easy as writing down your 5 dream cars & careers, the number of kids you'd like to have, the cities you'd like to live in, and your dream guy on notebook paper.

Our hearts, eyes, and minds become cloudy with the things of this world.  And this is where I find myself.  Being cloudy by my own wants and desires.

All grown up.  Living that life I dreamed of as a little girl.  With my dream job.  In a house thankfully, not a shack nor a mansion.

So why is it such a struggle?  Why do I envy my sweet friend who is a working mom?

Why am I not overflowing with happiness with this beautiful life that I've been given.  After all, it's everything I've always wanted and desired. 

Well from my past struggles, I've learned God does his best work when we struggle.  When we have no choice but to seek Him.  Seek His desires for our life, rather than our own.  Seek His Kingdom, rather than the world.

As I struggle with being a stay at home mom, I often find myself in awe of what God is showing me through His eyes and not my own.  Through His strength and not my own.  I also find myself drawing near to Him for every aspect of my life.

While drawing near to Him, I'm learning His desires for my life, look different than what my desires look like.  Learning that my purpose here is not to have those granite counter tops I dream of or that vacation I feel like I deserve.  Yet it is to serve Him.  To serve Him with all of being, not  just the parts I want.  It is about finding joy amidst my struggles.

Jesus tells Paul in 2 Corinthians 12:19, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." To which Paul replies, "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Serving Him means serving my family.  Serving Him in my house regardless of what kind counter tops I have.  Or the job I have.  And delighting in my weakness, hardships, and difficulties.  Lord knows being a mother means all of those things plus more.

I can't pray for Him to use me, yet still be wishing I had the things of this world.

"In order to be used, we have to be broken..." -Jeremy Camp

Before I had Brady, we prayed about whether or not I would return to work or if I would stay home.  Obviously we felt that I should stay home.  It was what was best for our family.  We decided we would give up our own desires in order to follow God's desire for our lives.  Our motto has always been, "we can always make more money, but we won't be able to back Brady's childhood." so that's what I've clung to.

Because honestly, staying at home as been way more challenging than I could have imagined.  For so many reasons but the obvious one being financially.  I sit and think of all the things we could be doing if I was still working.  Like those granite counter tops, that vacation to Disney I've always wanted, and high-lighted hair every month.

Clinging to the things money can buy is only destroying what God really wants for me.  Clinging to superficial things is a sin.  Clinging to any thing other than Jesus is what Satan wants for me.

The reality is Jesus doesn't want my life to be motivated by money or career but by Him alone.  And what His will and desire is for me.

As I sat in my car Wednesday at the water's edge, cellphone dead, baby asleep in the back, sun-roof opened, Matthew West coming through my speakers I sat in silence as tears rolled down my cheeks.  I felt so alone, broken, and weak.  I grabbed my Bible and Lysa TerKeurst's book and began to read.  Something I haven't done in some time due to just going through the motions.  As I read I began to see the bigger picture of my life.  Not just the mundane tasks I face everyday.  Not all the tangible things I didn't have, yet all the treasures I do have.  Treasures that I'm storing up not here, but in Heaven.  But mostly, I begin to feel God's grace fall and walls start to crumble.  Walls that had built up since staying home.  Trying to justify "my job" as a SAHM, to no one but myself.

I had started to believe the lies that Satan was telling me.  I had started to doubt my decision of staying home.  I doubted my purpose here on earth.

Then I read this on page 126... 

Ouch.

The underlined parts hit me like a ton of bricks.  Brady woke up as it was time for the Farmers Market to open and I drove away feeling like a person.  My heart overflowed with joy!  My soul refreshed. 

Satan wants me to doubt my job as a stay-at-home-mom or my job as a mom in general.  He wants me to believe I have no worth since I don't make X amount of dollars.  He wants me to believe I can do better.  He wants me to believe that all those things, such as freshly highlighted hair will make me feel better or bring me happiness.

Of course it will bring me happiness, but it will not bring me joy!

"This is my desire to be used by you..." 

My desire in this life is to do whatever God has called me to do and do it with great pride and joy!  Not with a bad attitude because I feel like I never ever have a clean house.  Or because I feel like I never get a break.  Or because I can't afford a certain something.

I don't want those things to control me or my life.  I don't want Satan to have that kind of power over me.  I don't any mother or person to ever feel that whatever they do in life doesn't matter.  Because it does matters.

God created us to desire Him.  To crave Him.  To follow Him.  Not to follow things of this world.  Or follow the "shiny" things in life, like shiny new counter tops ;)

Desiring Him, means fulfilling your purpose.  Which means my purpose as a mom.  I was made for this job.  And there is no greater job.

But I can't do it on my own strength.  So that's why I have to chase after Him, instead of chasing after the wind.  Ecclesiastes 1:14 says that man's pursuit of the things of this world "are meaningless, a chasing after the wind."  Lysa TerKeurst has this to say about that, "Busyness, chasing after achievements, and filling our days with man-made idols will leave us feeling empty and breathless.  We must fill our days with a rich relationship with God in order to feel fulfilled."

I have to ask Him daily to empty me of all the things that don't belong (my pride, my selfishness, my desires, my wants) and fill me up with the things He wants for me.  Fill me with things that do matter.  Fill me with the things only He can give.

Joy.

Peace.

Comfort.

Reassurance.

Grace.

Love.

My home is my mission field.  Brady's heart is my mission field.  Which means my job as a SAHM does matter and it is where God has called me at this moment in my life.  Not in the classroom teaching, where I wish I was some days.  So I will allow myself to rest in that, knowing that there is no greater joy than following what He has called me to do.  Even if it hard or not as glamorous as I envisioned as a young girl.  Even if it means formica over granite...

So I will cling to my desire to be used by Him where ever that may be.  And I'll continue to be incredibly humbled by His love for me.  I hope you can find rest in whatever you are doing, where ever you may be doing it.  What ever your mission field may be; whether it be a stay at home mom, a working mom (which I applaud you!!!), or one of those longing just to be a mom.

May His desire be your desire... 

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." -Galatians 6:9

Embracing Motherhood

Source: someecards.com via Nancy on Pinterest

We were dressed, including a shower and make-up for me (I know, it's a rare thing these days), all ready to head out the door.  The rain had finally stopped and the grass glistened as the sun shined down on it.

It was turning out to be a beautiful day and I was looking forward to getting out for some fresh air.

Well we never made it out of the driveway.  I decided it was not worth it.  Not worth the fight, not worth losing my temper (again), or worth forcing him into a car seat he clearly did NOT want to go in to.

A pick your battles kind of moment.

Now I sit on my couch in silence as my sweet boy naps since I decided we both needed a "time out!"  Clearly he needed a nap since he was asleep in less than 5 minutes and I needed time with my Heavenly Father, to be refueled, refreshed, and refilled.

"Becoming frustrated and mad will completely drain us and make us feel defeated.  Turning our circumstances over to God will right our heart, change the way we look at the situation, and help us recognize glimpses of God in the midst of our broken efforts." -Lysa TerKeurst, "Am I Messing Up My Kids?"

You see children don't come with a manual or a "how to" and they most certainly don't come with a programmable personality.

They come with the personality that the good Lord gave them.  He created them just the way He wanted.  Fearfully and wonderfully made.  Made perfect only through Him.

While it is our job to help mold and shape them into respectful human beings, we aren't 100% responsible for the outcome.  

Just like He created you and I with flaws and imperfections.  It is what we do with those things that make the difference.  We can choose to let them control us or we control them.  Choosing joy regardless of our circumstances or failures.

Yet, I often wonder if I'm failing as a mom.  Most days I feel like I have failed.  For being a mom is one tough job.

And I feel so inadequate most days.

And guilty.  Guilty about the way I reacted or the way I handled a situation.  Or that I didn't manage to "keep it together" that day.

Testing boundaries is where we are at now in our house.  I'll be honest, I didn't think it would start so soon.

But we are here and I'm quickly learning that each stage presents its own challenges.  With challenges comes learning.

Motherhood is a huge learning curve and every journey is a little different.  But we are ultimately all headed to a common goal.

To raise our children the best we can.  To love them the best way we know how.

I think this is so true with ourselves and our relationship with our Heavenly Father.  He created us in His image so that we may be like Him.

That means we must give of ourselves and serve others.  Including our family.  To give and to serve is to act like Jesus.

So then why do I feel inadequate?  Or as if I've failed?

Especially when I have a Savior who adores me.

He is crazy about us and is crazy in love with us.

And even when we test the boundaries, He is there to sweetly nudge us along the right way.  When He says "no", it is because it is what is best for us - even though we think we know what's best for ourselves.

Same goes with our parenting.  We only want is best for our children and we are only given one chance to get it right.  Well, kind of.

No pressure, right??  Thankfully, each morning is a new day.

If I'm being honest with myself and you, I have to admit mothering is a lot harder than I could ever imagine.  While there are moments of joyous bliss, there are also lots of moments I wish I could do over.  Or days where I'm truly tested.

Then I am reminded that I'm not meant to be perfect.  For we are only made perfect through being transformed by Him by following the only One who is perfect.

I'm also certain I'm not to tackle motherhood alone.

For I cannot do anything by my strength alone.  I'm only fooling myself when I try.

So I'm learning that motherhood requires FULL dependence on Lord Jesus.  Not half or some but ALL of me.

After all, this child of mine is His and His alone.  He has just entrusted me to raise him, but like everything else Brady belongs to Him.  The Lord knows what Brady needs and knows what I need as a mother.

I am the exact mom God knew Brady needed.  Just as well as Brady is the exact son I needed.

Not one part of His plans for us are flawed.

Yes, being a mother is tough that requires lots of work and self sacrifices.  But no one ever said it would be easy, but it would be worth it.

This is what He has called me and so many others to do.  Motherhood is a calling and a privilege.  If he calls you, he will equip you and sustain you. (Psalm 51:12)

And my heart breaks for those who long to be mother.  I pray you can rest in His arms knowing His ways are greater, even when we don't understand.

Which is why I never want to take any of this granted, even the hard days.

"Instead of letting my disappointments discourage me, I let my heart be drawn toward Jesus and ask Him to fill me." -Lysa TerKeurst

I encourage all of us moms to call upon Him and let Him be our refuge and strong tower.  Lord knows we can't do it alone or on our own strength.  He didn't design us that way. 

In "Am I Messing Up My Kids?" by Lysa TerKeurst she tells us this, "God is waiting for you to ask for His portion every day and He will provide.  When we allow Him to reign in us, His portion will rain on us."

I love that.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." -Psalm 73:26

After all, these are His children.  He knows them better than we do and He already has their plans laid out before them. 

So even when things don't go as planned or I have a bad moment, I will praise Him for He is good.

Source: cberryonline.com via Nancy on Pinterest

And He is all I need to be the mother He has called me to be.  His love, His word, and His grace are the only manuals I need.

Sweet friend, I hope you can bask in His glory today.  Praise Him for even the hard days/moments and for giving you the greatest job on earth.  

And may He be your portion forever.

I'm tired, I'm worn...

Today got the best of me.  It wasn't my finest, shining moment.  But it ended ever so sweet.

As I rocked, swayed, and did whatever it took to get Brady to sleep tonight this song came over his radio speakers.

And it was what I needed to let go and forgive myself for the way I had acted earlier.  For I often carry around a pity-party or guilt after I've so-called "lost it!"

Since he was born, he's had music on in his room and it's either on K-Love or the other local Christian radio station.  He loves music and I hope the songs of worship will seep into his little body and he will soak up God's goodness.  

But tonight it was clearly ministering to me and I allowed myself to break down walls that I've built up.

To let redemption win.

And I'm sure it's not coincidence that as soon as the song started and I started singing it through tears...Brady fell gently to sleep.  In my arms.

Which hardly ever happens these days.

I hugged him a little tighter, told him I was sorry for being impatient and how much I loved him.

Then just let the tears fall...

Because as a mother...I'm worn even before the day begins.

 Thank you Lord for pouring out your mercies even when we don't deserve it.

The eternal God is your refuge,
    and underneath are the everlasting arms.
He will drive out your enemy before you,
    saying, ‘Destroy him!’

-Deuteronomy 33:27