The Chase

I am a fan of the movie Edward Scissorhands. It's cheesy and just makes me laugh. I mean what normal, suburban lady would go to this place where no one would go to sell Mary Kay? She went to the unlikely of places and befriended an unlikely person. Someone who was seen as unacceptable in the neighborhood. Beyond different, just straight strange. I mean scissors for hands?! What?! Was she that desperate to sell some skincare products? Or was it a divine moment? Clearly, I am reading way too much into a cheesy 90's movie.

As I scrolled through Facebook tonight then laid my head down to sleep, I thought what happened to the good ol' days of Facebook? Are these people so desperate to sell something they are willing to go/do anything?! The days where feeds were filled with real status updates, real pictures, where & what you were eating. Fun, light-hearted feeds.

I am currently listening to a sermon series called "Thumb Wars" and I can't help but think how brilliant. Yet, how sad.

Let me be clear - I love social media and often find myself spending way too much time on there. I love being able to keep up with friends and my family with just a click away. But it can also be a place where the "Thumb Wars" overwhelm me. And not overwhelm as in I can't take it, but overwhelms my heart.

Because just like in Edwards Scissorhand, people will and are going to great lengths to sell Mary Kay. Or whatever else they sell. To sell, to sell, to sell, to sell.

Facebook might as well change it's name to Marketbook because my feed is flooded, I mean flooded with multi-tiered marketing scheme/pyramid ads/businesses or things of the like. I've even had friends get off Facebook because they are tired of it being all about what others can sell/offer them.

I mean if someone started selling groceries on there, I'd never have to leave my house.ever.again. From eyelashes to healthcare to face care. I can find it all on Facebook...all day long.

To be perfect honest, I have nothing against these pyramid deals. I actually happen to sell a multi-tiered product myself. Okay, sell is a loose term for me since I make a few sales here & there. I think there are some really great products out there & I think it's great some are able to supplement their income, get inspired, etc.

So why would this overwhelm my heart?

I've heard it say...whatever consumes you, is whom you serve. I feel like we are so consumed with ways of trying to better ourselves and don't even realize when we have become a slave to the very thing we think is bettering us.  

I've stayed home for over three years now. We live on a single family income.

Yet, God has always provided. Always.

I even had a successful business that I closed due to this exact thing I'm about to blog about. The chase. The money consumed me. The idea to be the next best monogrammer. To keep doing more, making more. I was a slave to my Honey B. business. It was my life. I worked hours upon hours to build it up to what it was and I still had a void in my life.

I fell into the horrible lie of the enemy- that I could have it all and do it all. And do it all well. My marriage suffered, my parenting suffered, and I suffered.

I was a slave in a wilderness. Searching, chasing.

In Exodus 16, the Isrealites were unhappy in their circumstances, yet God kept His promise and manna rained down from heaven. Manna was a food that was miraculously supplied to the Israelites while during the wilderness.

God provided when there was no way.

I could have easily gone back to work in these last 2 years. I miss working. A lot. I look forward to when I can return to work. But my work is here, in my home.

This is where God has called me.

He also called the Israelites into the wilderness. For 40 years.

Forty years.

I've only been home just a little over 3 and half years so I can't fathom forty. We have made huge adjustments for me to be able to stay home. Sold my brand new car, learned to budget, cut out added expenses, yet we are better off now than we have ever been since we've been married.

God didn't call me to be the best monogrammer in South TX or anywhere for that matter. He called me to serve Him and I couldn't do that with money as my focus or by selling, selling, selling. And boy was I selling!

When He called them into the wilderness, He also tested them.

Believe me when I say I had my share of testing. The testing is where He refines, creating me into what He intended me to be.

Yet, He has always been faithful.

The thing is I had been searching and searching. In the wilderness.

I wanted manna. I wanted that everlasting taste of something good. The land of milk and honey. I wanted the career, the baby, the new house, a new SUV (I still want a new SUV if I'm being 100% real), and I wanted a clean house with a plush bank account. Don't worry I gave up on the clean house a long time ago...

As my mama tells me - none of those things will make you happy. 

It took me struggling through a dark wilderness plus some to realize she was right.

There is only one thing on this earth that will quench that thirst. That will satisfy. That gives us freedom. True freedom in life. And it is not more money, another level up, or whatever else you gain by selling x,y,z.

Thankfully, I already have the ultimate title: Daughter of the King.

So why is my feed filled with non-stop selling and promoting? Because we are all daughters searching, looking for manna. We all want to feel loved, adored, have that new car, look our best, whatever it may be. God designed us to crave. Crave Him. Unfortunately, this world has taught us to crave the things of it. Money, a good body, a perfect home & kids, the finer things in life.

And my heart cries out for it to stop!

Our freedom is not found in these things, yet in Him.

We can't have financial freedom until we give him our finances. Yes, He blesses us but not to build multi-level marketing pyramids.

Again, I am not saying they are wrong - but what are the reasons behind the chase?

What are we chasing?

Who are we chasing?

Each other? More money? More promotions? The approval of others? 

I believe in taking care of yourself and being responsible for your body and your finances. I do. But I can't help but think it almost becomes an obsession.

We can chase rainbows and feel good moments all day, but in the end - will it matter? I am exhausted just by chasing the Facebook post. I can't keep up between all the deals, products, or your promotions. We can go to the ends of the earth selling something, but it will never satisfy us like Jesus. It will never bring us peace when we're called into the wilderness. There is no amount of money, residual income, car, or promotion that would make living with my mom's diagnosis any easier. The only way to walk through a wilderness such as this one is with the manna He provides. And because I allow myself to be consumed with Him walking in His truth has become like my job. Sharing with others, encouraging them - that no matter what may come He is good. It's through the wilderness that I find my calling. 

He will provide. So I chase Him. 

And traded my business of 5 years for trust. Trusting Him in the unknown of the wilderness. I needed that money after all or so I thought.

So I ask myself why does it overwhelm my heart to see my feed flooded with these things?

Maybe because I feel so many are searching and looking into something which will never satisfy and frankly it breaks my heart.

He is near to the brokenhearted.

So what if our hearts were broken for what breaks us...how much different would our chase be?

Would we worry with how much money we were making or instead of how much we could give. 

Or would we spend our time offering to help others in ways that truly encourage - instead of offering them something that benefits us?

Would we host a party just for those who are hurting or those who are struggling? To those walking this road alone, even if they live in a house full of children and their husband or maybe our friend who is truly alone because she's single. Or the friend who is too ashamed to share her fears and doubts about her marriage or struggles with motherhood?

What if we went to the most of unlikely of places to win that one who may perish?

The search. The chase.

For meaning...to belong, to love.

We all belong and are loved in His Kingdom. We are all leaders, producers, and executives...without having to do or sell anything.

He simply just want us. Our hearts, minds, and our souls.

He wants us to chase Him. To search Him.

Not search our bank account, the scale, waist, a perfect home, or wrinkles...

But simply Him.

Knowing He is the one who provides all our needs according to the riches of His glory.

May we search and chase in ways that bring Him glory. May our hearts break in ways that we turn our hearts towards others rather than our own.

May you know that He adores you and loves you. That with Him, you can be free. Freedom which has has already been paid for you, for me.

May He flood your heart in ways that only He can satisfy.

So while my heart cries out for it to stop, it won't until everyone is free. Free to be what Christ has called us to be. His servant. His beloved. Hemmed beautifully into His garments.

If only you could see yourself, the way He does.

We exist for Him. Yet, the enemy wants us to think we exist for all these other things - that simply do not matter. I toil at home, but my work is etched in the next life. I search Him here on this earth in the the things of this life, such as Facebook feeds and while I hope to find Him there...instead I find remnants of lives. Tattered, hanging on by threads. Lives lived searching and chasing.

What if we chased our personal relationship with Christ in the same fashion as we do the things we promote or sell?

You see it's not that searching and chasing is wrong  - but it is merely what we are searching and chasing.

It leaves only wanting more because of what it is lacking. Lacking the security we need in order to be content. We will never be content with selling, selling, selling. We'll only be content when we learn to trust in the wilderness. No matter how long or how tough it gets.
When we are able to scoop up manna from the morning dew and know 
HE. IS. ENOUGH.
When we're able to catch a glimpse of His glory and the cries our hearts are hushed by the gentleness of His touch. When we stop searching and chasing and resting in His embrace.

May He search us, know us, and try us. And may we respond with open hearts. Busted open for what only He can bind back together. Bind our wandering hearts to thee. For we are exhausted from the chase.

We're full, but not satisfied. We are willing to sell out for so many things expect for the ONE that truly will matter.

Our relationship with Christ.

Knees to the Earth

I used to blare Kirk Franklin throughout our apartment when we lived in San Antonio. I had suffered a miscarriage, couldn't find a job and I hated life! I thought of ending my life almost on a daily basis. It was such a dark time in my life & I thought I'd never have real joy in my life. It would be almost 3 years before I would be set free from depression. 

I spent many hours on my knees, crying out in our walk-in closet.

Knees to the earth.

Other than Allen, my mom was my biggest cheerleader. She encouraged me, lifted me up, and prayed over me time & time again. She knew that God had great things in store for me, if only I could see what she saw & what Christ saw in me. She knew I'd overcome and pushed me to get help time & time again. Honestly, I just thought "it was just who I was" (oh the lies I believed), but mom knew that was NOT who I was. She has poured Christ into me since I was a little girl. She always told me I'd do great things for the Kingdom.

Now the tables have turned and I have the honor & privilege of encouraging, uplifting, and praying over my mom. It's tough watching your mom suffer, but more than anything it's tough watching her spirit suffer. Because I know that is NOT who she is. And I know she IS and will continue to do great things for the Kingdom.

This, her diagnosis, her cancer journey is just the beginning. I often joke with her about being her booking agent or when will start speaking about the miracles God is doing.

Cancer is physically tough, but mentally & emotionally I can't even imagine. Basically, it's a death sentence [IF you choose to see it that way]. But as believers we know Christ already conquered death & we are ALL dying little by little every single day. It's how we chose to live each day that matters. Not next month, next year, five years from now, etc. So I choose not to see it as a death sentence, but yet a spring board for God's goodness & grace.

Perspective is everything.

Our minds are programmed to think towards the future, but I'm starting to believe that's not at all how Jesus intended it to be for us. Always chasing the next best thing, the next vacation, the next promotion, the next, the next...

Isn't today enough? Isn't HE enough?

I bow my knees to now. Today. This day whatever it may bring. Thanking Him for today. Even thanking Him for the hard- this hard, cancer. I look for opportunities I can seize today. I also threw out the expectations of THIS world. I want to be in this world, but not of it. 

I want the lens of grace.

The grace that transfigures all. After all, isn't that why Christ suffered the ugliness of the Cross? To transfigure us, through grace. To prove there is beauty in the suffering.

When we lay it down, knees to the earth we empty ourselves. Emptiness is then filled with His grace. Maybe that's why His grace abounds in deepest waters...

Our vantage point changed. Transfigured.

We must change our lens in order to see the God of Transfiguration. To experience fullness. Grace. Beauty.

I remember once mom told me while sitting at the kitchen table...that isn't it sweet to be in the valley. I cried. All I wanted was to be on the mountaintop (or dead) because the valley was hard. But she was right.

Life is full of valleys & it seems we're in the valley more than we are on the mountaintop, but maybe it's not the valley that's hard but our perspective that makes it hard. Satan wants nothing more than to keep us in chains & play with our emotions. Our perspective gets blocked & we feel hopeless. 

But our knees are our vantage point in the hard. 

Where we bend the knee and meet Christ face to face. 

Where darkness transfigures into light, sufferings transfigures into grace, bad turns to good, and pain births new life.

It IS a sweet, sweet spot. 

Sometimes I wish I could go back to that closet with Kirk Franklin blaring & tell myself THIS is where your pain will be used for good. For the Kingdom. He picked me & you mom for Him. For His Kingdom. For His good.

He picked you for this. Like Esther, "and who knows you have not come to the Kingdom for such a time as this?" (Esther 4:14) 

So Mom it's sweet to be in the valley. The valley is where sweet surrender happens, where we're transformed by His grace and love. Consider it ALL joy - the valley & the mountaintop. Consider this time just a resting spot but not a destination. 

God wastes nothing.

So bend the knee, give thanks for the pain, and transform your perspective.

May you have eyes to see the mountaintop God has before you. The beauty in the pain.

But meanwhile knees to the earth. Emptying out yourself where grace transfigures all.

Even cancer.

"Proudly refusing to accept this moment (including the HARD moments), dismissing it as no gift at all, I refuse God. I reject God." 

"Thy will be done," - not just in heaven, or down the road in the future in this world, but in this world at this very moment." 

This very moment...

Mom- i love you madly! Lift up your face for mercy remembers your name!!

Tomorrow is a new day but tonight blare some Kirk Franklin & lay down your fears at the feet of Jesus & yes buy that gift & dye your hair & do all the things you normally do because you are STILL living!!! & according to AB you will be for a while ;) we're still in the fight! It's time to get back in the ring & show the enemy just WHO you really are!

And I'd gladly walk through my darkness 100x over it means that I'm able to face this with my mom. I'm thinking knees to the earth with thanksgiving is the only way to live.