The healing has begun.... (part 1)

*warning - this is a deep post written mostly for myself so feel free to skip over it ;) it is definitely where my heart is and I don't want to forget this season in my life.

"You have carried the weight of your secret for way too long...but freedom can never be found behind those walls.  So just let 'em fall."

There are so many things in this life that robs me of my joy.  Robs me of who I am.  Robs me of who God says I am.

Yet, I still continue to allow myself to fall victim to those things.  Allowing my heart to hemorrhage, while looking for things to make it stop.

Earthly things.

Excessive-ness.

Shame.

Guilt.

"Misplaced worship is at the heart of all bondage."

Beth Moore, Breaking Free

Jesus said I died so you could get well.  He died to heal us from our transgressions.  So why don't we allow Him to do just that?

"He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted." 

Isaiah 61:1

So here I am laying it down.  Giving it to the only one who can heal my broken-heart.  The only one who can truly fulfill me.  Fulfill my heart.  Fulfill my soul. 

And bind up my heart.

Breaking me free what holds me in bondage.  Depression.  From miscarriages, from financial loss, and from just the weight of this world.

The need to feel accepted by others, the need to have more money or things, the need to look a certain way, the need to be something I'm not.

I'm not organized.  I'm not the best at keeping up the with laundry.  I'm not 130 pounds and probably never will be.  I'm not a size 6.  I'm not a very good housekeeper.  And I certainly can't do it all.

But those things don't define who I am.

"My people have committed two sins:

They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water."

Jeremiah 2:13

I have told myself SO many lies.  Time and time again.  So many times that I have believed them.  I believed I would always battle depression.  I would probably never have any more kids because of the not-so-great mother I am.  And I'll always struggle with money, whether I have to much or to little.

Yet, at the same time trying to save face that I have it all together.  That I live a life without struggle.  All those things are lies.  Lies from the enemy who wants nothing more than to drag my soul into the depths of hell.

My own cistern is a broken one.  One falling to pieces at the seams, filled with so many things.  Some that are wonderful and some that bind me to my fears and struggles.  Dug down deep.  Some things buried so deep I didn't even realize they were there.  Ouch.

I struggle daily.  Some days the struggle is so much it takes my breath away, and it literally makes me ill. 

But Christ tells us that He will uphold us.  Uphold our case.  And fight for us.

Oh sweet Jesus, what liberty is there in knowing that!

What if we would allow Him to be the depths of our well?  Instead of all the above.  Instead of chasing things in life that will never, ever truly fulfill us.  For me, it's almost too much to even comprehend.  But that is the amazing thing about Him.  We don't have to understand in order for Him to heal us.  Or even love us.  He does that regardless of our brokenness.

"Child, lift up your eyes 'cause mercy remembers your name and those tears you've been holding back, let 'em fall down like rain"

I am done fighting.  I am done trying to uphold myself and my case.  I am done chasing after things that will not fulfill my life or purpose.

I am done being quiet.  Acting has if Satan hasn't grabbed a hold of me and tried to destroy me like a thief in the night.  Robbing of my joy.

Christ didn't die so I could live a life of suffering.  Of course, He knew I would have sufferings in this life.  His word tells me that.  But without suffering, I wouldn't be able to draw near to Him.  Or He wouldn't be able to lift me from the living dead.

He desires to raise me from the living dead.  He desires to fulfill my life.  And He is fulfilled when I allow Him to fill me.

"The continued search for something earthly to fill our empty places is costly."

-Breaking Free, Beth Moore

Filling my life with earthly things just robs me of what He desires for me.  All the excessive things in my life (social media, entertainment, food) robs me of my time with Him.  Shame robs me of who I really am in Him.  Guilt robs me of His peace.

Depression robs my soul, my life, and my family.

But no longer sisters....today's the day!

The healing has begun...

I am breaking free of those chains.  Lifting my eyes and laying it down.

Because what was lost, has now been found.

I am taking my tattered, worn, battered, and broken cistern to the Living Well and leaving it there.  I don't want to carry it around anymore.  I want to be His bucket.  I want Him to fulfill me and sustain me.  Not earthly things, not stuff, not hurts, disappointments, losses, or struggles.  Just Him.  Sweet loving, merciful Jesus.

"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.  Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a wiling spirit, to sustain me." 

Psalm 51:10,12