Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Break-down to break-through

Yesterday was a pretty rough day for me. Seems like lately all I've been doing is pouring my heart and soul out to my Heavenly Father...yet I feel so alone and lost. There are days I wonder does He really hear me, does He notice me, when will He show us face amidst the chaos, when will I look back and say "I finally understand!" I know God has great things in store and planned for me and my life but some days it is so hard to see that beyond all the trials I am struggling with. I know He writes the story of my life and I can't wait to see what my story will be - actually I can't wait for others to read my story and see the love of Jesus that resonates inside me. And I realize that the trials I face are not personal and that I am not the only one that faces these trails but some days, like yesterday that just bring me to well honestly...a break-down. But thankfully His mercies are new each morning! At first, I was ashamed of what I was feeling yesterday...like I was being a baby and not just bucking up to my problems and pressing on - BUT this is how God is working in me. I honestly feel like He is saying, Nancy - all these things you think you need to make it in this world (money, job, a new car, material things) are NOT the things you need, all you need is ME! Allen and I both feel like we are at the end of our rope, we honestly don't know what is next or we don't know when we'll make it the top of OUR mountain. All we do know is that God has never not taken care of us and I know He is not going to stop now. I am finding that having a break-down is not such a bad thing - it's actually like a break-through...for me anyway.

In Luke (Chapter 8: 40-48) there is a parable of a women who had been bleeding for 12 years, she pushed through the crowd, touched the hem of Jesus' cloak/garment and was healed. If you don't know the story, I urge you to go read it. It's incredibly story of faith. Well, lately that story has been on my mind and I think God is saying "Don't give up! Reach out and touch me...keep pushing through...don't let anyone hold you back...have the kind of faith that this women had. The kind of faith that is bold and courageous!" All the while, I am scared/afraid/fearful for reasons I don't know or can't explain.

In my search for more on this story, I found this...
"When I think about this story, I am amazed by this woman's faith. It is a pushy faith. An elbow-my-way and don't-take-no-for-an-answer faith. It is a faith that doesn't quit. Jesus is seeking to produce in you and me the kind of faith that motivated the hemorrhaging woman to touch the hem of his garment. But if we aren't quite there yet, he is entirely willing to prop up and encourage our faith until it can grow some more.

Faith is often expressed in us at that raw, growing edge of life that is acquainted with fear but not overcome by it. Our woman has spent twelve years in sickness, embarrassment, and frustration. But she has pushed through. She has just been powerfully and instantly healed, and she is aware of the healing. The next moment Jesus stops, asks "Who touched me?" and she is trembling again. How true to life.

Dear child of God, Jesus loves you and is fully aware of the vulnerability of your faith. But he is encouraging you to take courage, put your fears aside, and "go for it." If you falter, he is by your side and he will help you. He is teaching you to trust in him. And he says to you, as he said to the sick woman who pushed through her fears, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go forward in peace."

Oh, wow! I think that was meant/written for me. He never ceases me to amaze me! I love love love the last paragraph!

While yesterday I was having a "break-down" (so I thought) today it turned into a "break-through." I would NOT change of any my hard days or struggles for anything in this world. For I know, this is the process I must go through in order to be molded into His image. I am constantly reminded that He is the author of my life and I shouldn't be afraid because even if I fall, His promise remains the same.

"My life's like an open book, nothing is hidden when you look. You break through my boundaries revealing my insecurities. But through my pride and through my shame, You show me love, You show me grace. I'm not looking back till I see your face. And I'm running straight to you because all I really want to do is fall into the emptiness that is, the space in-between us..." ~Lyrics of "The Space In Between Us" by Building 429

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