I'm not ready.

There are lots of things in life, I feel unprepared for.  Nothing can prepare for what motherhood will be like.  Sure people can tell you and give you a glimpse of what it's like for them but it will in no way prepare for what it will really be like, for yourself.  And often people tell you only the things that are not so good.  Like how you'll never sleep again or kiss all your sleep goodbye.

While yes that is somewhat true seeing how Brady has yet to start sleeping through the night, it pales in comparison to what motherhood does bring to the table.

In two short days, Brady will turn 11 months old.  How?  I am not ready.

It seems that as each month passes I am in disbelief.  How could it go by so quickly?  I'm not ready.

And with each passing month, he reaches another milestone.  Or does something that just amazes me.  Which only screams how quickly he is growing up.

Yet, I'm still not ready.

I want to hold on to that sweet 7lb 4oz little boy that I brought into this world almost a year ago.  I don't want to forget how tiny he was or how he was almost taken to NICU due to fluid in his lungs.  I don't want to forget the miracle of life that turned our us into a family of three.

I just want to relish in those moments.  For that is what motherhood is about, not that Brady still doesn't sleep through the night or that

It is about your heart overflowing with pride and joy as you watch him take not one, but two steps all on his own like he did just this morning.  Or how when he learns something new, like being able to steer or navigate this little push around train.  Or when he sees someone he knows to say "hi!" in the sweetest little voice ever.

Even when I'm not ready.  Not ready to let go and accept that he is in fact growing up, right before our eyes.

At lightening speed, it seems.

There is nothing that can compare your heart or your head for what motherhood will be like.  It is definitely a rollercoaster of emotions and while I don't want to admit it, I know this is only the beginning.

But there is one thing I can say, it is better than I ever could imagine.  This is why we decided as a family that I would stay home.  These are the moments that make sacrificing money or a career so worth it.

Being his mom is one of the greatest blessings ever.  I am in awe of our Creator who created Brady, before I even knew it.

And it is a gentle reminder, that God never leaves out the details.  He knew what this momma's heart needed today.

These are the moments, days I live for.  Even if I'm not ready for them.